Shut the Front Door!

The end is near! The end of 2015 that is and I'm stressing a little over that. In January I wrote a blog post entitled "Word Search". I was very excited to find my "word for the year" and explore it fully over the course of 2015. I chose the word "open" because I thought it had chosen me. What a great word! Embrace it. Live it. Write about it. The year was full of possibilities!

The end of the year is here and I've got nothing! No earth shattering conclusions. Nothing about "open" to report on. No new life path. No concrete example of how I had lived with the word "open" for an entire year!  Other people choose words like balance or peace or serenity or empowerment. Achievable words. Goal-centered words. But I selected "open". Most likely the vaguest word in the whole dictionary! So indistinct in fact that I initially believed that I had not experienced openness at all. My eyes had not been opened to any new possibilities. I did not open my mouth and use my voice used to tell a life altering story. My mind was not opened to any new ideas. I barely opened one book a month. When one door closed another one did not open. The door just stayed closed. Maybe "closed" should have been my word. "Closed" is easy and doesn't require much thought or work at all. "Closed" is clear.

The really sad thing is that if I had chosen balance or peace or serenity or empowerment as my words I probably would be writing the same blog post. None of these words truly describes what my year has been all about either.

In the beginning MY word "open" felt like the most positive word in the world. Good things were definitely going to happen. I could feel it. All because of my very accessible word. Boy would I have a lot to write about in December. 

The truth is that some very positive things did happen this year. But so did some very negative things. It is no different than any other year. It's bound to happen. Whether you choose a special word or not. The good things you want to be "open" about and share with the world. The bad things you don't. This Pollyanna is always hopeful that only good things will happen. But being open to this doesn't keep the bad things from coming in the front door. Good and bad. Positive and Negative. Open and Closed. Yin and Yang. You can't have one without the other. The two go together. Experiencing the bad, sad, or scary times is when we are the most openly vulnerable and responsive to help, growth, restored faith, spirituality, friendship and knowledge. I know. It sucks but unfortunately (or could it be fortunately?) that's the way it is.

Reflecting positively on my year of "open" I realized that I have made some really great new friends this year and reconnected with old friends. New friends came into my life because of needs for help and I opened myself up to giving help. I opened my heart to giving and consequently others opened their hearts to me. I've opened my home to friends, family and strangers and others have opened their homes to me. I've opened my time to tutor kids in reading and volunteer within the community. Being open to new relationships has brought positive outcomes.  

I've had one occasion this year when I thought I might lose someone I love to serious illness. My heart was breaking and my soul felt lost. Close. I prayed to God and every other higher power that I could think of like I have never prayed before. Restored faith.  Open. Fortunately for me things turned out better than expected. Good. Gratitude. Eyes wide open. Some of my friends were not as fortunate this year. Bad. Terrible loss. Terrible sadness. Eyes wide open. Closure. Damn yin!

All it takes is one bad event and life changes. Enough to want to shut the door on everything and everyone. How hard is it to "open" the door to a different way of life and open yourself up to accept loving kindness again? Or worse, open yourself to be hurt again. A closed heart makes it impossible to let other people or opportunities in. A quote from an unknown author says "it takes sadness to understand what happiness is, noise to understand silence and absence to understand presence". I suppose it also takes understanding "close" in order to understand "open".  You can't know one without the other.

Aha!

So, what's so great about "open"? 

Here's what I've learned about the word "open"in one year. It's a perfectly good word. It's only vague when it's used by itself. It's a much better word when it is attached to another good word.  Think about it.  Open mind. Open hands. Open arms. Open door. Open home. Open air. Open fire. Open book. Open heart. It works. 

I believe that the word "open" can bring balance and peace and serenity and empowerment when you you remain "open" to people, opportunities and changes that come your way.

Love Match

My husband and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary last week. We met on Match.com. We are a Match.com success story! We should be in one of their commercials.  I know at least four other married couples who met on Match.com. For "older" people who don't want to meet someone at a bar or at work (complicated) Match.com is a very good option.

I joined Match.com seven years ago. A girlfriend encouraged me to sign-up when she joined. She said it could be like a "wingman" situation and we could help each other sort out the possibilities. I wasn't sure that I was ready but I joined for the shortest and cheapest time period to help my friend out AND test the waters. I "met" my husband online after three weeks. He emailed me. I did not find him. I ignored him and almost deleted him. Until I went to Florida a few days later to visit family. I told my stepmom that I had joined Match.com but I thought I might quit when the initial time period was up. I wasn't sure that I was ready. I had sorted through what seemed like hundreds of DUDS. Every guy seemed yucky and creepy. I told her that I had received a few emails.

Stepmom: "Let me see what you've got to work with."

Me: "Doesn't this one look like a serial killer?"

SM: "What's wrong with this one (my now husband)? He looks really nice."

Me: "Ugh! He looks like a big nerd. And he's an engineer. I'm NEVER having another relationship with an engineer. They speak a totally different language than I do!"

SM: (Reading his profile) "He sounds nice. Listen to this. He says he likes to listen to the rain and walk on the beach and drink wine."

Me: "They ALL say that. They all say they they like to watch romantic comedies and snuggle and drink wine until you actually go on a date. Then you find out that all they want to do is watch Red Sox games all the time!" 

SM: "Well this one sounds really nice and you're being a snob." 

And then for the real zinger...

SM: "At your age you can't afford to be so picky! (I was 46 at the time). You should be going out on a date with anyone who asks you. This guy seems nice and you just can't ignore his email. You have to at least respond."

Me: "Oh, alright."

So I go into my dad's office to type an email response.

Me: "Dear nerdy guy with the awful photo. Thank you for the nice email. My stepmother thinks you seem nice. She is making me do this..."
On second thought I better not be so snarky. Start over.

"Dear X. Thank you for the nice email. Sorry I have not responded but I have been on vacation" ( a little bit of a stretch but somewhat of the truth). Blah, blah, blah...

He responded back with another NICE email. Oooh. He likes wine. I like wine. He likes to play Scrabble. I like to play Scrabble. He grew up in Florida. I'm from Florida. Hey, he might actually get me!

We emailed back and forth for about ten days then made a plan to talk on the phone. The first night we talked for three hours. The second night we talked for three hours. He had a lot of interesting stories to tell. He had a deep, sexy voice. We had a lot in common. Oooh! This is starting to get interesting. After about a week of talking on the phone we made a date to meet in person. 

We met at a local restaurant for dinner and ended up talking for almost three hours. The conversation was pretty good however I wasn't feeling confident that there would be a second date. He seemed a little shy, didn't dress particularly well and I wasn't really physically attracted to him. We had a brief hug at my car and I drove home thinking that there would definitely NOT be another date.

But the guy kept calling me and I REALLY liked the guy on the phone. We made a plan for a second date a week later. My thought was that unless it was truly horrific the first time that I should give everyone a second chance. Everyone is nervous on a first date and may not be showing their true personality. 

My guy came to pick me up at my apartment this time. He had a cute little convertible. He also was wearing Levis and a nice rugby shirt. He looked much better in jeans. I saw potential. We went out for pizza and bowling. Bowling was a better choice because it involved action! Action dates are good. We had to focus on other things besides just staring at each other across a table while eating and talking. Even though this date was better I still left date # 2 feeling a little unsure.

But he just kept calling me. He wanted to go out on Thursday. I told him that it was the season premier of Grey's Anatomy and I wasn't going anywhere. He could come over and watch it with me if he wanted. So he came over to watch this show that he had never seen before with me. The poor guy tried to be a little bolder and suggested that he wanted to get to know me better. I shut him right down. I actually said "I really like the guy on the phone. I'm still not sure about the guy sitting next to me on the couch!" Ouch. That was a little harsh. I can not believe that he did not run away at this point and actually called me again. He just kept calling! He must have really liked me. So I just kept talking to this really nice guy on the phone.

We made a plan for a fourth date to go into Boston for Italian food in the North End. It was late in the afternoon by the time he picked me up and I hadn't eaten much that day. I get cranky when I haven't had much to eat and my blood sugar drops. Really cranky! By the time we got to the North End I was not a nice person. At this point I think my guy finally realized that he probably didn't want to go on another date with me! I was beyond the point of making rational decisions. We ducked into the nearest restaurant, Cantina Italiana, which just happens to be the oldest Italian restaurant in the neighborhood. The delicious meal, a bottle of wine and a full belly turned me into a nice person again. He made a mental note to notice the signs and get me food before I turn into a monster in the future.  We shared wine and stories and walked all around Boston. We went to the theater district and had dessert at Finale. We walked and held hands. 

We arrived back at the subway station around 11 p.m. and when we got on the train I fell asleep on his shoulder. He didn't mind. He said it was the best feeling he had ever had because it felt like I trusted him. And I did. Getting on and off the train I realized that this guy was not going to let me fall. This guy was really nice. And kind. And gentle. And patient. And he seemed to like me. A lot! Just as I was.  How could I have been so shallow and stupid? Big Aha moment!

When we got back to my apartment around midnight and before he left to go home I said "OK, I need you to kiss me like you mean it". He did. Then I told him to come over on Thursday before Grey's Anatomy for kissing lessons...

We were engaged eighteen months later and married on the second anniversary of our first date. Happy anniversary to the sweetest man on the planet! I love you and look forward to spending the rest of my life with you.