This Heroine's Journey

Maya Angelou said "Everyone has a story. If you have a story to tell you need to tell it". I have a story to tell. The reason I started this blog was to tell my story. Telling my story helps remind me of who I am. Telling my story helps me make sense of what has happened in my life. I hope that by using my voice to tell my story I can give inspiration to others.

On a recent episode of Oprah's Master Class Billy Bob Thornton said "Don't wait for someone else to tell your story. Tell your own story". I do have a story to tell but I've kind of been waiting for someone else's story to corroborate with mine. I realize now that it is important for me to tell my story and not wait for someone else to do it.

Six months ago I quit my job. I quit my job because I was asked to do something that I believed was illegal. I was asked to participate in "illegal hiring practices" in which qualified candidates for a management position in one of my libraries were not considered for interview. I wanted to interview them but my supervisors said "no". Three of these candidates were known to be from a "protected class". I was directed to interview less qualified candidates. In the end I was "ordered" to offer the job to a friend of the boss. I did not want to participate in unethical and possibly illegal employment activities so I walked away. I walked away from an extremely toxic work environment. There were many other issues but this was the one that really crossed my ethical line. After giving notice I was presented with a legal document that equated to a "gag order" and pay off. I did not sign it or accept the pay off.  I walked away from a career that I loved. I walked away from a good paycheck.

I walked away with my integrity. I walked away with my voice. I still have my voice and I am so grateful for that. My voice matters and is worth more than any amount of money. I have my voice and I can use it to tell my story.

To some my story might sound like the makings of a thriller novel. I could fill a book with tales of my exposure to discrimination, racism, bullying, threats, sexual harassment, oppression, cronyism, lies, manipulation, favoritism, tyranny and corruption. I have a doozy of a story to tell. I'm still grappling with when, where, how and who to tell it to. If I don't share my story and use it for good then I might as well have signed that "gag order.

There have been many moments when I just wanted to let it go and move on. I am happy to be out of that situation. Let it go and don't think about it anymore. But my conscience keeps bringing me back to where I "tell my story". Other people are involved. Other people have been mislead and abused. If I do nothing someone else could unknowingly get hurt. Those bullies in the workplace will continue to play a sick game and undermine peoples lives. There are good, honest people who count on their jobs to provide for their families. These people are being ruled by fear at the hands of a tyrant.  Fear of losing their jobs keeps them from fighting or speaking up at this time. It is not right. This is not the way people should be treated in society in 2014. I can use my voice and fight the good fight. My voice gives me the power to do that. It's not okay for the "bad guys" to win.

Author, Elizabeth Gilbert states that most great stories are based on the premise of the "hero's journey" formulated by Joseph Campbell. To summarize:

A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man.

Joseph Campbell says that there are 17 stages to the hero's journey. These stages are divided into three phases: Separation, Initiation and Return. In the separation phase the hero is forced to leave the known/normal world and venture out into a dangerous unknown realm. The hero usually has to survive a severe challenge. The final step of separation involves the hero entering into the "belly of the whale" and agreeing to undergo a change.

The initiation phase of the journey includes the "road of trials". The hero encounters numerous trials, tribulations and failures in this phase of the journey. This is where the hero must face the giant. Often there is a period of rest, peace and fulfillment before the hero continues on the quest. Eventually the climax of the journey happens and the tension in the story is resolved. The hero wins!

In the return phase of the journey the excitement is over and the hero returns to a "normal" albeit transformed life. The hero is able to share the wisdom of the journey with others. This transformation leads to the ultimate goal of "freedom to live". The hero has conquered the internal and external demons and can now live the life they choose. The hero is free from fear, anxiety, stress and other distractions that keep him from living in the here and now.

Embarking on this quest does not mean that I have the ability to help anyone else. I am not a hero and I don't claim that I can save the day. I just know that I have to try and do something. I believe that I am about to emerge from the belly of the whale in my own heroine's journey. I need to see where the rest of journey will take me. I am battling the injustices of an organizational giant. I'm fighting unfairness and oppression in the workplace. I can't quit now. I have to at least try to right a wrong. If it is only for my own benefit it is worth the fight. I need to continue on this quest to get to that "freedom to live" part of the story. I need to know how the story ends.

This journey will certainly end with asking "what have I learned and what I can teach others from my experience?". There is a reason this happened to me and for me. What has happened to me will not be wasted.  I have a story to tell. I'm not sure where this story will go or what the outcome will be but I will tell it with intention and purpose. I will be brave and raise my voice and tell this story. Bring it! When this story is finished and the journey complete I will write a new story for myself and live it intentionally.

Stories connect us with other people. Stories reassure us that we are not alone in this world. Stories have the power to heal. Tell me your stories and I'll tell you mine.

Funky Town

Won't you take me to Funkytown?*

A couple of weeks ago I received a phone call from a long time friend. I hadn't talked to her in awhile and was so happy to hear her voice. She said she was calling for selfish reasons. She needed my advice. Uh oh!

She said, I'm really feeling like I'm in a funk. I called to talk to you because you seem to have it all together. How do you do that?

This was surprising and really funny to hear because I rarely feel like I have it all together. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing that I appear to "have it all together".

I've heard that people operate on two emotions - fear and love.

I struggle with feelings of fear and inadequacy on a daily basis. Especially now. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm supposed "to do" with the rest of my life. I struggle with what my identity is even though I know I am more than what I do. I still struggle. I don't have any of it figured out and it scares me. So much so that I have to work hard every day to surround myself with positive thoughts and activities. Otherwise it would be too easy to go down that rabbit hole to a place of despair. I could easily become depressed. I have to force myself not to go there. Whatever works.

I play the "what if" game a lot. I remember many years ago hearing Dr. Phil say if you're going to play the "what if" game then you need to answer the "what if" question. What if I never work again? What if I can't figure out what to do with the rest of my life? What if something happens to my safety net? What if I have no way to support myself? What if I become homeless? What if I get sick? And it gets progressively worse... What if someone I love dies? I can keep going and going with the worst case scenarios. If I let myself do that for too long it becomes crippling. To be in a "funk" means to be cowering in fear. And once you're funked you are really f_cked! It's difficult to answer the question once you've gone this far beyond reason.

I don't want my days to be spent in a fearful funk. I want to operate from a place of love. I know I need to be kind to myself in order to love myself. It takes a daily reminder not to beat myself up for what I shoulda', coulda', woulda' done. In order to be kind to myself I consciously spend my days engaged in positive thoughts and exercises. Otherwise I'm sunk in a funk! Elizabeth Gilbert has said that when she was in her darkest time (her funk) she forced herself to search for something "beautiful" in the world. Damn it! I'm not going home and cry until I see something beautiful. She saw circus elephants and it was amazing! I have to force myself to look for the beautiful in everyday too. I walk outside, take in the beautiful scenery and get fresh air. I eat a good breakfast. I read enlightening books and articles. I watch "Super Soul Sunday" and "Master Class" on the OWN channel. I watch inspiring TED talks. I surround myself with positive people. I find opportunities to laugh. I write this blog. I try to be inspired and inspiring.

I commented to my friend that I do all of this everyday to help me sort out my STUFF. ALL just to sort out my STUFF. I work through my stuff in an attempt to get to a place of peace. Sometimes I pray. I should probably pray more often. Most of the time my best prayer is taken from one of my favorite Jackson Browne songs "Your Bright Baby Blues". It goes like this - "Pray to God for me babe, he can let me slide". (Working out his stuff through music). More often than not I'm just praying that God will let me slide. This time and the next time and the next one hundred times.

I realized that a lot of people do what they do to work out their STUFF. All that Oprah has ever done revolves around working out her stuff. For the last thirty years! Looking at my bookshelf I note that Pema Chodron, Anne Lamott, Elizabeth Gilbert, Paolo Coehlo and others have all written books about working out their own STUFF. The book store shelves are filled with stories of people working out their STUFF. AHA! I'm not the only one. We ALL do what we do to sort out our stuff. Simple as that.

I work hard everyday to be grateful and choose positive thoughts and activities to avoid the "f_cked up, funked up life. I don't have it all together. I just appear to.

Gotta make a move to a town that's right for me
Town to keep me movin', keep me groovin' with some energy*


Just replace the word "town" with the word "thought".

* Lyrics to "Funkytown" by the Lipps, Inc.

Life is All About Plan B

Life is all about plan B. It is a concept I have been pondering for a few months now. I've always been a planner and it is very hard for me to not have a plan. Or make a list. My nature is to plan out my life in great detail. But what happens when Plan "A" doesn't work out so well? What next? ...

Life is all about plan B. That's not an easy one for a Type "A" personality like myself. I've always had a vision of what my life would look like. It followed a logical order. Grow up, finish school, get a job, get married, have kids, watch kids grow up and succeed, work some more, do something important, make a difference, enjoy life, etc... This  life path never involved a plan "B" nor did it include monkey wrenches! Ironically, I've been at the plan "B" stage of life more times than not. When a crisis occurs I always think "this was definitely not part of the plan"! I never say "that's OK, I have a fallback plan".

The situations that propelled me into considering another scenario were always blessings in disguise. I've never regretted having to exercise plan "B". In that space I can take a break, be quiet and recover. It's a chance to review the big picture. If I'm mad I get to say "kiss my Butt" or "Bugger off" or "this won't beat me" or "I'm better than that" just because I need to.  If I'm sad it's OK to be still for a little while and breathe. It's a safe place to regroup. Plan "B" is where you've earned the right to shout "I've overcome this battle and I am brave and I can't be broken". Bravo!

With any kind of change this transformational stage offers another chance of a lifetime to become a better you. Iyanla Vanzant says that "life gives you an endless supply of do-overs. And you don't have to get an "A" to pass the class". I'm happy for the do-overs and I will take that "B". It offers enormous potential for a brand-new life that is bold, brazen, boisterous, bodacious, believable, bountiful and beautiful.

No amount of planning can prepare us for a future that is a mystery. For now I will enjoy the day and have a ball.  Now that's a plan this Pollyanna can live with.

Bucket List

I've been thinking about my bucket list lately. A lot. This all came about from attending Oprah's "Life You Want" weekend. Oprah gently guided us through workshops and exercises designed to help us discover what "the rest of our life" (after the weekend) would look like.  The excitement of figuring out my new life was shattered when I started calculating how much time that actually might be. Then I started to panic. I'm 52 years old. How much time do I really have left to do the things that I want to do? Have I wasted some of the time I was given already? Can I make up for it? Do I get a do-over? What DO I really want to do with whatever time I have left. If I'm lucky I may have another twenty to  thirty good years. If I'm lucky...

The chance to experience Oprah's words of wisdom was a lifetime dream for me and my stepmother. It was amazing. Check - Oprah can now be crossed off the bucket list. A nice woman named Talie sat next to us at the event and over the course of an evening and a day we learned a little more about her. She told us that she was having heart surgery in a week and she had always wanted to see Oprah. Oprah was on her bucket list too. Talie told us that if she didn't survive the surgery she was happy that one of the last things she got to do was see Oprah. I don't know how her surgery turned out because I did not get her contact information. I really hope Talie made it and can continue to cross other things off her bucket list. It occurred to me that IF I had a bucket list what would be on it?

I went online to see what others had to say about "bucket lists". I learned that there are thousands of ideas for things to do before you die. Not only are there ideas for what you might want to do but there are lists for what you SHOULD do before you die.  There are bucket lists suggestions for every season. There are lists for things to do before you turn 30, 40 or 50. There are "date night" bucket lists and "vacation" bucket lists. There's a list for things to do before and after you have a baby.  I even found one list entitled "The ULTIMATE Bucket List". Talk about pressure. All of a sudden not having a "bucket list" made me feel seriously inadequate.

I do understand the concept of the bucket list. I'm a list maker and I always have been. Lists help you get things done. Writing your dreams down on paper puts those dreams out into the universe. It creates a vision for making those wishes come true. It provides a rewarding schedule of fun things to look forward to in the future. Is it really possible to do ALL the things on your list while still living in the here and now? Before you die. 

I wondered if I even needed a bucket list. I definitely don't need to climb a mountain, scuba dive, sky dive, learn to speak Chinese, sail around the world or learn to be champion tap dancer to feel that my life has meaning. I have no desire to run a marathon, see a volcano, take up an extreme sport or fly in a helicopter to feel significant. I especially don't need the urgency or the stress of having to accomplish everything on my "bucket list". That might be enough to kill me. 

In looking back over my life I can already "check off" some amazing experiences. I grew up with a loving and supportive family. I learned many life lessons from my grandparents. Those lessons are better than anything I could have learned from Oprah. My grandparents showed me how to live a good life. I'm extremely grateful to still be able to have quality time with my parents. All four of them. My family means the most to me and I love any time I can spend with them. I've fallen in love a few times. I've had my heart broken a few times. From the heartbreak I learned to recognize what true love feels like and I have that now. I've given birth to two amazing human beings. That is a miracle. If I experience nothing else in this life my two boys are the greatest gifts and miracles I have known. I graduated from college and later received a masters degree. I've acquired wisdom and insight from work experiences that have furthered my education beyond school. I've lived in seven different states and have been gifted with the most fantastic lifetime friends from all of those places. I've traveled to twenty-five out of fifty states in the U.S. Seeing the other twenty-five is doable. I would like to see the rest of the USA by RV the way my dad has seen it. I've traveled to other beautiful countries and experienced other cultures.  I've made my way back to the South and am living in the place of my dreams with the man of my dreams. I have a comfortable home and love spending time there. I have been blessed by the life experiences I've already had. 

If I were to make a list of things "to do" before I die it would be fairly short. I just want to do the things I love with the people I love. It has become easier to focus on what those things are as I have become older. It would be nice to visit a few places if time and money allowed - Seattle, San Diego, San Francisco, the Grand Tetons, New York City.  There are a few other countries I would like to see but if I only traveled to Italy to eat a really fabulous meal I would be happy with that. I don't need to read all the classic literature ever written. I would be thrilled just to read the books on my bookshelf. Those books were hand selected by ME and for ME because I thought they would be interesting. I would like to read them. I'm content with being at a place in my life where I really don't need a whole lot. I have no regrets for what I haven't done yet. 

The most important wish on my list is for my boys to be happy. I want them to know how much they are loved. Every day. I want them to know joy in their life. I want them to know that their life is a gift. I want them to know that all of the happy times make up for any disappointments. I don't want them to fret about the past or fear the future. I've done way too much of that in my 52 years and I want them to learn from me that it's not that important in the big scheme of life. I want them to know love. I want them to be proud of all they do. I want them to be content. I want them to know peace. I want them to know that the life they have matters. That's all. 

I want my dear, sweet husband to know how very much he is loved. I want him to know how grateful I am that we found each other. Every day. I want to grow old with him and I pray that I have the chance to do that. 

The "bucket list" concept seems to me like focusing on "going out with a bang" while underscoring the importance of just living in the moment. Is it really necessary to put "inspire someone" or "witness a miracle" or "pursue your passion" or "perform and act of kindness" on a list to be crossed off with a pen? Those are not big accomplishments. We should do them anyway. Every day. Rob Bell, minister and author, says that life itself is a miracle. When you are born and take your first breath "it is a miracle". Breathing every day is a miracle. Waking up and realizing that you are breathing and doing THAT every day until you take your last breath is a miracle. The life you want begins with the life you have now. It's the little everyday things that matter. It matters and it is miraculous. We only have today. We don't know about tomorrow. 

If I knew that I would "kick the bucket" tomorrow I would go to the beach. I would spread out a blanket and gather my family around. We would listen to Jimmy Buffet music and drink wine. We would eat good food (fried chicken, mashed potatoes, ham biscuits, vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup, peach cobbler, apple pie, key lime pie and cheesecake. If I'm dying I won't need anything healthy like vegetables!) We would tell stories. We would hug each other. I would do all this while I waited for the end in a place where the earth stretches out to the horizon to meet up with heaven. If I'm lucky...

My Bucket List:

1. Spend time with the people I love

2. Tell the people I love that I love them. Do this a lot.

3. Breathe and be grateful for it.

4. Say "thank you" for the day.