I fear that I am guilty. Should I be worried about that?

Fear. Guilt. Should. Worry.

The four most debilitating emotions in my world. I've had a few personal experiences recently that have led me to open the door and let these evil critics in. I try not to let the negative thoughts come into my head but by habit I let them in. It's a struggle to get them out of my brain. Anne Lamott says "My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone". I know I have work to do. Again. "Ugh".

I have heard that people make decisions based on two basic emotions - Fear or Love. Fear is the emotion that guilt, should, shame, worry and other negative feelings revolve around.  Fear that something bad will happen. Fear of losing control. Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing someone or something you love. Fear so disabling that I lose my ability to enjoy daily life. It's an absolute battle to get loving thoughts back in. Hafiz, a Persian poet, who lived in the 1300s wrote "Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions". Me too.  I find it interesting that fear is still an emotional factor 700 hundred years after this quote was first spoken.

Should and Guilt are twin sisters to me. I should do this. I should NOT do that. I should have said this. I should NOT have said that. I should call this person. I should send a card to that person. I should eat better. I should exercise more. I should read more. I should clean the house. I should do something productive. I should do this. I should do that. I should, I should, I should... My very kind-hearted husband tells me "Don't should yourself". Do what you feel like doing. Don't do what you don't feel like doing. I believe he has achieved some kind of enlightenment. I have not!

When I don't do what I feel that I SHOULD do guilt takes up residence in my mind! One definition for guilt is:

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc. whether real or imagined.

I feel certain that my sense of guilt does not come from committing a grievous offense, crime or wrongdoing. It is not real but an imagined perception of offending someone else. "Shoulding yourself" results in guilt from a "perceived" poor decision. 

I am really good at following that "worst case scenario" rabbit down that hole and worrying about ridiculous things that most likely will not happen. That plane hasn't crashed yet. I haven't contracted the worst, incurable disease yet. My kids are alright. I've already survived some terrible events in my life. I lived. Worrying is not going to prevent bad things from happening or prepare me any better for when they do. Corrie Ten Boom said "Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear".  Fear again. 


I realized (AHA moment) that these negative emotions mostly occur after I've had an unpleasant experience with a negative person. I tend to believe in the ultimate goodness of everyone. I believe that people will always choose to do or say the right thing. I believe that people always make the best choices. I believe that everyone has something to be glad about. I believe that people will be nice. The conflict in my brain arises when I'm confronted with someone whose beliefs are different than my own. The one in which "life sucks" and there is nothing in this world to be happy about. You would realize that your life sucks too if you would just take off those rose-colored glasses. So I take them off and start to believe that maybe there are a lot of things in my life that aren't so rosy. Someone I love is going to die eventually. Someday I might contract some dreaded disease. Something "bad" is going to happen. If I didn't have those damn rose colored glasses on I would clearly see the apocalypse coming.

I'm learning with every experience that "what is going on for them is about them and not about me". A good portion of my life I have made it about me. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? I am a "people pleaser". From an early age it shaped who I am, what I thought and the decisions I made. The guilt, fear, worry and "shoulding" myself comes from wanting to make the people in my life happy and fearing that if I don't they won't like me. I doubt my own judgment and question my decisions. Was my perception of the situation wrong? Does this person really know more than I do? Are my feelings wrong? There's a good chance that I did not say the "wrong" thing, do the "wrong" thing or make the "wrong" decision. What's going on for them is about them and not me. 

I'm not guilty when I haven't committed a crime. Worry doesn't prepare you for when bad things to happen. When I "should" myself I shame myself and that is too much like a self-imposed punishment. It implies that I MUST do something or face the consequences.  Fear fills the room and does not let positive, loving thoughts in. When I make other peoples negative feelings and opinions more important than my own positive thoughts it creates internal conflict. This inner uncertainty allows the worst emotions to enter my mind. I lose sight of ME. 

I'm getting a lot better at pinpointing what IS going on for me when guilt, worry, shame and fear appear. I'm fighting back. When I take the time to think about why I am feeling such visceral emotions my perspective becomes clearer. The key is to learn what I need to learn about myself, let it go and move on. Quickly. Without letting guilt, worry, shame and fear hang around for too long or at all! Easier said than done but I feel as if I am getting better at recognizing the triggers. There is hope that I am getting closer to some kind of enlightenment. Eliminating these words from my vocabulary means trusting my own instincts and decisions and loving myself enough to say "No". I won't let you disable me. I've learned that for me it also means setting boundaries or outright eliminating the toxic relationships with negative people who cause me to feel these stressors. I like to think that as I am getting older I am becoming wiser. It is not selfish to put my own feelings first. It is OK to see things differently. Taking care of ME is essential to my happiness and well-being. 

One of my favorite writers is Glennon Doyle Melton. Check out her website and subscribe to her blog postings on http://momastery.com. Read her book Carry On Warrior. Watch her TED Talk. In several of her postings she talks about putting her "perspectacles" on. 

When I put on my perspectacles (my rose-colored glasses) it is amazing how clearly I can see what's going on. Plus, I look good in pink!

Well, who are you? Who, Who, Who, Who?

Well, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

Tell me, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

'Cause I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)

From The Who - Who Are You

I recently attended my 35th High School Reunion. I graduated from Eau Gallie High School in Melbourne, Florida in 1980! WOW! I'm not 18 anymore!

It's amazing how going to your high school reunion can send you right back in time and make you feel 18 again. Right back to that same place and that same insecure and unsure person I was then. A little nervous to talk to the "popular" kids. What do we have in common? What is there to say? We don't travel in the same circles? Afraid to say or do something stupid that would make me seem ridiculous and haunt me for the rest of my days. Back then I spent a lot of time and energy trying to just fly under the radar. "Don't draw attention to yourself". "Don't do anything to get noticed". If I pretended to be invisible and not care about what was going on around me then there was little chance of getting my feelings hurt. I wasn't being my authentic self and I may have missed out on a few things. I am not the person who misses out on things now.

It was great to see old friends I've known since elementary school. The "girls" have turned into beautiful women and the "boys" are as handsome as ever.  I still see their young faces. In my mind I am walking home from school and my friend is teaching me to count to ten in Spanish. I get excited to walk past the cutest boy in school at his post as the crossing guard. I hurry out the door so that I don't get teased by that one boy over my "funny" name. My first "real" boyfriend (6th grade) is walking me home wheeling his 10-speed bike along side him. I don't know where he is now and he has never been to a reunion. I hope he is well. I've also lost touch with my best friend from elementary school and I feel sad about that. I was honored to attend her citizenship ceremony.  I hope she is well. I met my best friend Karen about two weeks into 7th grade. We have been friends ever since and for 41 years. She is my sister. We are family now.

I remember one boy from high school who used to annoy the heck out of me. He was funny and goofy and real. The last time I saw him was at the 20th reunion. He knew it would be his last. He died of AIDS before the next reunion. In just fifteen short years people are being saved and same sex couple can legally marry. I would love to have a good conversation with him about that and appreciate his unique personality. More so than I did in high school. As much as I worried about people judging me I was just as judgmental then. I was more concerned about how it would be perceived if I hung out with the kids who were viewed as "different" at the time. So I closed myself off from getting to know interesting people.  I am open to other people's stories now.

There were quite a few classmates that I did not recognize at this reunion. It was a big class after all and it was five years later. I "met" this really great lady for the FIRST time. Who was she? I don't remember her. She was sweet and kind and had a fascinating life story. I really liked her.  I would have liked to have known her in high school. I also spoke with a very handsome gentleman with salt and pepper hair. I don't remember him. I apologized and said "I'm really sorry but the name sounds vaguely familiar but I don't remember you? His response was "Oh, but I remember you!" What does that mean? How does he remember me? Maybe he was yanking my chain but if he knew me in high school how come I don't remember him. What makes a person memorable? How would my life have been different if I had been friends with these two intriguing people years ago? Perhaps I did not know myself well enough then to possibly be able to know anyone else. I guess I was friends with who I was supposed to be friends with at the time. I will know them and remember them now.

Thirty-five years later it doesn't matter if you were the most popular, the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, the richest, or the poorest kid in school. Back then it seemed that it did. It defined who you were in a group. There were many different groups that existed based on who you were and what you did. You pretty much stayed within your group. My biggest regret is that I was not braver with the courage to just be myself.  I played it safe. I would have joined the volleyball team. I would have loved to work on the newspaper. I would have continued to play the oboe and stayed in the band. I would have paid more attention in Economics class. Maybe I would have tried out for a play. When I was younger I used to practice cheerleading in my front yard for hours. My dad was a coach and I used to study those high school cheerleaders intently at every game. Then I would go home and mimic every move they made. I could do cartwheels and backflips but I couldn't master a split. By the time I got to middle school I was too afraid to try out because I couldn't do that stupid split.  I lost my confidence. I played it safe for too many years. If I knew then what I know now I would have at least tried. When you don't try you fail anyway. The worst thing about fear is that it keeps you from being your true self. I am braver now.

The class of 1980 was a big class with I believe over 450 graduating students. I've been to all of my reunions. Over the years our numbers have dwindled. I missed people that I saw five and ten years ago. At the 10-year reunion most of us were newly married and had small children. Many of my classmates are grandparents now. Many of us have been divorced. Many of us have lost loved ones. Many of us have suffered illness. Many of our classmates are gone. We are all wiser now.

This passage of time has brought wonderful and powerful perspectives on life and who we are. Every reunion reenforces that more and more. We have a shared history with our classmates similar to that of our own siblings. We probably spent more time with our classmates than we did our own siblings. It feels like family and I am so thrilled that the class of 1980 is so close. Through social media it is so much easier to maintain the connections. I'm glad I know who you are. We are deeply connected now.

I'm grateful for the life I have had and honestly would not want to go back to high school or be 18 again. I can be my authentic self now and let you know the real me. The best thing about going to my high school reunion is seeing old friends, making new friends and feeling 18 again for just a little while though. I finally feel like one of the "popular" kids because at these reunions we're all in the "popular" crowd.

Rock on EGHS Commodores! Rock on Class of 1980! See you in five years!