I fear that I am guilty. Should I be worried about that?

Fear. Guilt. Should. Worry.

The four most debilitating emotions in my world. I've had a few personal experiences recently that have led me to open the door and let these evil critics in. I try not to let the negative thoughts come into my head but by habit I let them in. It's a struggle to get them out of my brain. Anne Lamott says "My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone". I know I have work to do. Again. "Ugh".

I have heard that people make decisions based on two basic emotions - Fear or Love. Fear is the emotion that guilt, should, shame, worry and other negative feelings revolve around.  Fear that something bad will happen. Fear of losing control. Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing someone or something you love. Fear so disabling that I lose my ability to enjoy daily life. It's an absolute battle to get loving thoughts back in. Hafiz, a Persian poet, who lived in the 1300s wrote "Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions". Me too.  I find it interesting that fear is still an emotional factor 700 hundred years after this quote was first spoken.

Should and Guilt are twin sisters to me. I should do this. I should NOT do that. I should have said this. I should NOT have said that. I should call this person. I should send a card to that person. I should eat better. I should exercise more. I should read more. I should clean the house. I should do something productive. I should do this. I should do that. I should, I should, I should... My very kind-hearted husband tells me "Don't should yourself". Do what you feel like doing. Don't do what you don't feel like doing. I believe he has achieved some kind of enlightenment. I have not!

When I don't do what I feel that I SHOULD do guilt takes up residence in my mind! One definition for guilt is:

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc. whether real or imagined.

I feel certain that my sense of guilt does not come from committing a grievous offense, crime or wrongdoing. It is not real but an imagined perception of offending someone else. "Shoulding yourself" results in guilt from a "perceived" poor decision. 

I am really good at following that "worst case scenario" rabbit down that hole and worrying about ridiculous things that most likely will not happen. That plane hasn't crashed yet. I haven't contracted the worst, incurable disease yet. My kids are alright. I've already survived some terrible events in my life. I lived. Worrying is not going to prevent bad things from happening or prepare me any better for when they do. Corrie Ten Boom said "Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear".  Fear again. 


I realized (AHA moment) that these negative emotions mostly occur after I've had an unpleasant experience with a negative person. I tend to believe in the ultimate goodness of everyone. I believe that people will always choose to do or say the right thing. I believe that people always make the best choices. I believe that everyone has something to be glad about. I believe that people will be nice. The conflict in my brain arises when I'm confronted with someone whose beliefs are different than my own. The one in which "life sucks" and there is nothing in this world to be happy about. You would realize that your life sucks too if you would just take off those rose-colored glasses. So I take them off and start to believe that maybe there are a lot of things in my life that aren't so rosy. Someone I love is going to die eventually. Someday I might contract some dreaded disease. Something "bad" is going to happen. If I didn't have those damn rose colored glasses on I would clearly see the apocalypse coming.

I'm learning with every experience that "what is going on for them is about them and not about me". A good portion of my life I have made it about me. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? I am a "people pleaser". From an early age it shaped who I am, what I thought and the decisions I made. The guilt, fear, worry and "shoulding" myself comes from wanting to make the people in my life happy and fearing that if I don't they won't like me. I doubt my own judgment and question my decisions. Was my perception of the situation wrong? Does this person really know more than I do? Are my feelings wrong? There's a good chance that I did not say the "wrong" thing, do the "wrong" thing or make the "wrong" decision. What's going on for them is about them and not me. 

I'm not guilty when I haven't committed a crime. Worry doesn't prepare you for when bad things to happen. When I "should" myself I shame myself and that is too much like a self-imposed punishment. It implies that I MUST do something or face the consequences.  Fear fills the room and does not let positive, loving thoughts in. When I make other peoples negative feelings and opinions more important than my own positive thoughts it creates internal conflict. This inner uncertainty allows the worst emotions to enter my mind. I lose sight of ME. 

I'm getting a lot better at pinpointing what IS going on for me when guilt, worry, shame and fear appear. I'm fighting back. When I take the time to think about why I am feeling such visceral emotions my perspective becomes clearer. The key is to learn what I need to learn about myself, let it go and move on. Quickly. Without letting guilt, worry, shame and fear hang around for too long or at all! Easier said than done but I feel as if I am getting better at recognizing the triggers. There is hope that I am getting closer to some kind of enlightenment. Eliminating these words from my vocabulary means trusting my own instincts and decisions and loving myself enough to say "No". I won't let you disable me. I've learned that for me it also means setting boundaries or outright eliminating the toxic relationships with negative people who cause me to feel these stressors. I like to think that as I am getting older I am becoming wiser. It is not selfish to put my own feelings first. It is OK to see things differently. Taking care of ME is essential to my happiness and well-being. 

One of my favorite writers is Glennon Doyle Melton. Check out her website and subscribe to her blog postings on http://momastery.com. Read her book Carry On Warrior. Watch her TED Talk. In several of her postings she talks about putting her "perspectacles" on. 

When I put on my perspectacles (my rose-colored glasses) it is amazing how clearly I can see what's going on. Plus, I look good in pink!

Writer's Block

It's confession time - "Forgive me for I have not written a blog post in awhile". I have been suffering from writer's block. For a time this Pollyanna was on a roll. I had loads of great ideas and even made a list of topics to write about. All these super-fantastic ideas would keep me going for months. If I managed to produce just three hundred blog posts then maybe I could compile these into an inspirational book. At least it would be something I could leave to my kids. That would be so awesome!

Then "bam" I was hit with a brick to the head.

As a librarian I don't always turn to Wikipedia as a reliable source but in this case I do like their definition:

"Writer's block is a condition, primarily associated with writing, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work or experiences a creative slowdown."

The article goes on to state various reasons that a writer might suffer from writer's block such as lack of inspiration, daily distractions or adverse events in one's life.

By some stretch of the imagination what happened to me could be classified as an "adverse event". A person that I don't even know used my blog postings in a critical and disparaging way to form a negative opinion about me and the life I have led. That's the way I interpreted it. I was hurt and scared. I felt shallow.

In an instant I formulated the belief in my head that my "silly, little blog" was not going to help anyone (including myself) but might actually hurt someone I loved. Then the floodgates really opened. "What were you thinking? You're no writer. You don't even know what you're talking about. You're just pretending to be a writer like you did when you were a little girl. Did you even read Eats, Shoots & Leaves?" And the worst and most ridiculous thing that popped into my mind was "Do you even remember how to do a tree diagram of a sentence anymore?".

Ugh! I hate having that Negative Nellie on my shoulder. So I've been blocked. For months. It's not that I have nothing to say but that I've been AFRAID to say it. What if I hurt someone's feelings? What if I get sued? What if my contribution to social media is harmful to someone else? It's too heavy a burden to bear.

I don't like to play the "what if" game and I really don't like to function from a place of "fear". That's what this is really about. FEAR. Fear blocks us. I started to think about other "blocks" that we've created in our lives. We put up personal relationship blocks, work blocks, fear of failure blocks, weight loss blocks, financial blocks, educational blocks, health blocks and a plethora of other restraints that prevent us from doing the things we want to do. Whatever it is that we are afraid of causes us to creatively and productively shut down.

What would happen if we substituted one of these "other" obstacles for the word "writer's block" in the Wikipedia definition?

"Relationship block is a condition, primarily associated with being in a relationship, in which a person loses the ability to engage in a new relationship or experiences an emotional, relational or intimate slowdown."

"Work block is a condition, primarily associated with employment, in which an employee loses the ability to produce new work or experiences a creative slowdown."

You get the drift. They all impair our ability to try something new and they all slow us down.

Aha! We put up mental road blocks that keep us from physically continuing down the road.

Tim Storey is a motivational speaker and minister who has a new book called Comeback and Beyond: How to Turn Your Setbacks into Comebacks. He says that sometimes people have a setback, get stuck and then "settle in" to being stuck. They just stay in that stuck place for the rest of their life. They never move out of being stuck. I could feel myself settling in and staying stuck. I needed a comeback and I needed it now.

I've been scared before and I've been stuck before. I've had numerous blocks that have prevented me from moving forward. Eventually I sort things out in my head and realize that the biggest thing being stuck does is waste valuable time that could be spent on living.

Anne Lamott in her inevitable wisdom helped me with getting "unstuck" in this situation. In her latest post she talks about turning 61. She wanted to pass on words of wisdom and acknowledge some of the things she had learned in her lifetime. This is what she had to say about the writing process:

"Writing: shitty first drafts. Butt in chair. Just do it. You own everything that happened to you. You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves in your heart--your stories, visions, memories, songs: your truth, your version of things, in your voice. That is really all you have to offer us, and it's why you were born".

You can read the post in its entirety on Anne Lamott's Facebook page.

I have been told on more than one occasion that am a transparent person. I suppose that's true. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I usually don't mind sharing my life experiences with others. For the last four months I let the words of someone that I didn't know get into my head and temporarily restrict me from expressing who I am. I let it get in the way of my story. 

Stories inspire, motivate and teach. I learn from the life stories of other people. The best part of being a librarian is listening to patron stories and sharing experiences. One of my favorite broadcasts on NPR is StoryCorps. I follow Elizabeth Gilbert, Anne Lamott, Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle Melton and other motivational and inspirational people just to know their stories. These people that I admire never started out to be writers but life led them to write their stuff down.

Like them I have my own stories to tell. I use my blog to do that. I write for myself and I write for others who may be struggling with some of the same issues and emotions that I am feeling. I may never speak on a Ted Talk, share my soul with Oprah or publish a book but I can talk about my experiences and share my stories in the hopes that they will provide inspiration and motivation to others. Because in the end that might just be why I was born.

Funky Town

Won't you take me to Funkytown?*

A couple of weeks ago I received a phone call from a long time friend. I hadn't talked to her in awhile and was so happy to hear her voice. She said she was calling for selfish reasons. She needed my advice. Uh oh!

She said, I'm really feeling like I'm in a funk. I called to talk to you because you seem to have it all together. How do you do that?

This was surprising and really funny to hear because I rarely feel like I have it all together. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing that I appear to "have it all together".

I've heard that people operate on two emotions - fear and love.

I struggle with feelings of fear and inadequacy on a daily basis. Especially now. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm supposed "to do" with the rest of my life. I struggle with what my identity is even though I know I am more than what I do. I still struggle. I don't have any of it figured out and it scares me. So much so that I have to work hard every day to surround myself with positive thoughts and activities. Otherwise it would be too easy to go down that rabbit hole to a place of despair. I could easily become depressed. I have to force myself not to go there. Whatever works.

I play the "what if" game a lot. I remember many years ago hearing Dr. Phil say if you're going to play the "what if" game then you need to answer the "what if" question. What if I never work again? What if I can't figure out what to do with the rest of my life? What if something happens to my safety net? What if I have no way to support myself? What if I become homeless? What if I get sick? And it gets progressively worse... What if someone I love dies? I can keep going and going with the worst case scenarios. If I let myself do that for too long it becomes crippling. To be in a "funk" means to be cowering in fear. And once you're funked you are really f_cked! It's difficult to answer the question once you've gone this far beyond reason.

I don't want my days to be spent in a fearful funk. I want to operate from a place of love. I know I need to be kind to myself in order to love myself. It takes a daily reminder not to beat myself up for what I shoulda', coulda', woulda' done. In order to be kind to myself I consciously spend my days engaged in positive thoughts and exercises. Otherwise I'm sunk in a funk! Elizabeth Gilbert has said that when she was in her darkest time (her funk) she forced herself to search for something "beautiful" in the world. Damn it! I'm not going home and cry until I see something beautiful. She saw circus elephants and it was amazing! I have to force myself to look for the beautiful in everyday too. I walk outside, take in the beautiful scenery and get fresh air. I eat a good breakfast. I read enlightening books and articles. I watch "Super Soul Sunday" and "Master Class" on the OWN channel. I watch inspiring TED talks. I surround myself with positive people. I find opportunities to laugh. I write this blog. I try to be inspired and inspiring.

I commented to my friend that I do all of this everyday to help me sort out my STUFF. ALL just to sort out my STUFF. I work through my stuff in an attempt to get to a place of peace. Sometimes I pray. I should probably pray more often. Most of the time my best prayer is taken from one of my favorite Jackson Browne songs "Your Bright Baby Blues". It goes like this - "Pray to God for me babe, he can let me slide". (Working out his stuff through music). More often than not I'm just praying that God will let me slide. This time and the next time and the next one hundred times.

I realized that a lot of people do what they do to work out their STUFF. All that Oprah has ever done revolves around working out her stuff. For the last thirty years! Looking at my bookshelf I note that Pema Chodron, Anne Lamott, Elizabeth Gilbert, Paolo Coehlo and others have all written books about working out their own STUFF. The book store shelves are filled with stories of people working out their STUFF. AHA! I'm not the only one. We ALL do what we do to sort out our stuff. Simple as that.

I work hard everyday to be grateful and choose positive thoughts and activities to avoid the "f_cked up, funked up life. I don't have it all together. I just appear to.

Gotta make a move to a town that's right for me
Town to keep me movin', keep me groovin' with some energy*


Just replace the word "town" with the word "thought".

* Lyrics to "Funkytown" by the Lipps, Inc.

What are you doing?

On my last day of work one of my friends called to check on me.

Her:  "How are you? Are you OK? What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm cooking spaghetti sauce and making blueberry muffins.
Her: "Oh". "Why?"
Me: "Because that's what I do when I don't know what else to do".

Cooking brings me comfort and I'm good at it. I needed a little reassurance that I was good at something. And I needed comfort. I needed to do something positive in the midst of mixed emotions. I recognized how easy it would be to go to a place of despair. I needed to stay out of my own head and not second guess myself or the decisions I made. The feelings I was experiencing were familiar too. It reminded me of my separation and divorce. It hurt and the future looked scary. I needed to remind myself that I survived, recovered and thrived in the aftermath of that and I would do the same this time too.

What are you doing? I am liberating myself from a bad relationship with a toxic organization in which I spent the last ten months being mentally and verbally abused. This did not feel any different than being in an unhealthy personal relationship. I am navigating a loss and the process of getting through it is similar to other kinds of loss - denial, disbelief, anger, self-criticism, withdrawal, reflection and acceptance. There is this angry part of me that wants to tell all, get nasty, let my bitterness guide my actions and live in the negative. I choose not to go there. I am grateful to be out of that situation. I still need to heal, be kind to myself, learn and be who I am. I will learn from this experience like other experiences and make positive daily choices that will propel me forward. Making spaghetti sauce seemed like a good step in the right direction.

What are you doing?  I'm cooking, watching funny movies, taking walks, taking naps, drinking tea, and doing all of the relaxing things that I love to do. I'm resting. I'm unpacking boxes, hanging pictures, and organizing the living spaces in our new house.  I'm lazily taking in the sun on my relaxing porch retreat. I'm making beautiful wreaths and planting herbs and flowers. I'm spending quality time with family and friends. I'm touring the local museums, churches and historic houses. I'm walking Savannah and discovering new coffee shops. I'm enjoying the fresh air. I'm taking care of myself. I now have the time to do all of this.

What are you doing? I'm sleeping at night. I'm preparing and eating healthy meals at home. I'm exercising. I'm enjoying the company of my wonderfully, supportive husband. I'm feeling healthy and not sick all the time. I'm feeling happy and content. I'm remembering to be grateful and counting my blessings.

What are you doing? I'm educating myself. My bookshelves are filled with wonderful titles waiting to be read. I will reread my favorites as well as the newest Anne Lamott books. I'm engrossed in TED Talks and reward myself with three inspirational talks every day. I limit myself to just three per day otherwise I would watch them all day long! I've discovered some wonderful new authors through TED and look forward to reading their books as well.  I'm watching Oprah's "Super Soul Sunday" series. For Oprah it is "What I Know for Sure". For me it is "What Have I Learned Today"? These activities provide inspiration and the opportunity to learn something new every day.

What are you doing? I'm finding strength in who I am and what I'm about. I'm evaluating how I want to spend my valuable time in the future. I hope to put my skills, knowledge, talents and experience to use in a healthy and rewarding way. With any luck it will be in a library setting because that IS something I'm really good at! If not in a library it will be somewhere where I can make a difference. Life is too short to spend it in a place that does not bring joy to your heart. I'm excited about the possibilities.

What are you doing? I'm breathing. I'm living. I'm putting one foot in front of the other, walking out the door, and experiencing what the day has to offer. That's what I'm doing.