I fear that I am guilty. Should I be worried about that?

Fear. Guilt. Should. Worry.

The four most debilitating emotions in my world. I've had a few personal experiences recently that have led me to open the door and let these evil critics in. I try not to let the negative thoughts come into my head but by habit I let them in. It's a struggle to get them out of my brain. Anne Lamott says "My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone". I know I have work to do. Again. "Ugh".

I have heard that people make decisions based on two basic emotions - Fear or Love. Fear is the emotion that guilt, should, shame, worry and other negative feelings revolve around.  Fear that something bad will happen. Fear of losing control. Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing someone or something you love. Fear so disabling that I lose my ability to enjoy daily life. It's an absolute battle to get loving thoughts back in. Hafiz, a Persian poet, who lived in the 1300s wrote "Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions". Me too.  I find it interesting that fear is still an emotional factor 700 hundred years after this quote was first spoken.

Should and Guilt are twin sisters to me. I should do this. I should NOT do that. I should have said this. I should NOT have said that. I should call this person. I should send a card to that person. I should eat better. I should exercise more. I should read more. I should clean the house. I should do something productive. I should do this. I should do that. I should, I should, I should... My very kind-hearted husband tells me "Don't should yourself". Do what you feel like doing. Don't do what you don't feel like doing. I believe he has achieved some kind of enlightenment. I have not!

When I don't do what I feel that I SHOULD do guilt takes up residence in my mind! One definition for guilt is:

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc. whether real or imagined.

I feel certain that my sense of guilt does not come from committing a grievous offense, crime or wrongdoing. It is not real but an imagined perception of offending someone else. "Shoulding yourself" results in guilt from a "perceived" poor decision. 

I am really good at following that "worst case scenario" rabbit down that hole and worrying about ridiculous things that most likely will not happen. That plane hasn't crashed yet. I haven't contracted the worst, incurable disease yet. My kids are alright. I've already survived some terrible events in my life. I lived. Worrying is not going to prevent bad things from happening or prepare me any better for when they do. Corrie Ten Boom said "Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear".  Fear again. 


I realized (AHA moment) that these negative emotions mostly occur after I've had an unpleasant experience with a negative person. I tend to believe in the ultimate goodness of everyone. I believe that people will always choose to do or say the right thing. I believe that people always make the best choices. I believe that everyone has something to be glad about. I believe that people will be nice. The conflict in my brain arises when I'm confronted with someone whose beliefs are different than my own. The one in which "life sucks" and there is nothing in this world to be happy about. You would realize that your life sucks too if you would just take off those rose-colored glasses. So I take them off and start to believe that maybe there are a lot of things in my life that aren't so rosy. Someone I love is going to die eventually. Someday I might contract some dreaded disease. Something "bad" is going to happen. If I didn't have those damn rose colored glasses on I would clearly see the apocalypse coming.

I'm learning with every experience that "what is going on for them is about them and not about me". A good portion of my life I have made it about me. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? I am a "people pleaser". From an early age it shaped who I am, what I thought and the decisions I made. The guilt, fear, worry and "shoulding" myself comes from wanting to make the people in my life happy and fearing that if I don't they won't like me. I doubt my own judgment and question my decisions. Was my perception of the situation wrong? Does this person really know more than I do? Are my feelings wrong? There's a good chance that I did not say the "wrong" thing, do the "wrong" thing or make the "wrong" decision. What's going on for them is about them and not me. 

I'm not guilty when I haven't committed a crime. Worry doesn't prepare you for when bad things to happen. When I "should" myself I shame myself and that is too much like a self-imposed punishment. It implies that I MUST do something or face the consequences.  Fear fills the room and does not let positive, loving thoughts in. When I make other peoples negative feelings and opinions more important than my own positive thoughts it creates internal conflict. This inner uncertainty allows the worst emotions to enter my mind. I lose sight of ME. 

I'm getting a lot better at pinpointing what IS going on for me when guilt, worry, shame and fear appear. I'm fighting back. When I take the time to think about why I am feeling such visceral emotions my perspective becomes clearer. The key is to learn what I need to learn about myself, let it go and move on. Quickly. Without letting guilt, worry, shame and fear hang around for too long or at all! Easier said than done but I feel as if I am getting better at recognizing the triggers. There is hope that I am getting closer to some kind of enlightenment. Eliminating these words from my vocabulary means trusting my own instincts and decisions and loving myself enough to say "No". I won't let you disable me. I've learned that for me it also means setting boundaries or outright eliminating the toxic relationships with negative people who cause me to feel these stressors. I like to think that as I am getting older I am becoming wiser. It is not selfish to put my own feelings first. It is OK to see things differently. Taking care of ME is essential to my happiness and well-being. 

One of my favorite writers is Glennon Doyle Melton. Check out her website and subscribe to her blog postings on http://momastery.com. Read her book Carry On Warrior. Watch her TED Talk. In several of her postings she talks about putting her "perspectacles" on. 

When I put on my perspectacles (my rose-colored glasses) it is amazing how clearly I can see what's going on. Plus, I look good in pink!

Funky Town

Won't you take me to Funkytown?*

A couple of weeks ago I received a phone call from a long time friend. I hadn't talked to her in awhile and was so happy to hear her voice. She said she was calling for selfish reasons. She needed my advice. Uh oh!

She said, I'm really feeling like I'm in a funk. I called to talk to you because you seem to have it all together. How do you do that?

This was surprising and really funny to hear because I rarely feel like I have it all together. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing that I appear to "have it all together".

I've heard that people operate on two emotions - fear and love.

I struggle with feelings of fear and inadequacy on a daily basis. Especially now. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm supposed "to do" with the rest of my life. I struggle with what my identity is even though I know I am more than what I do. I still struggle. I don't have any of it figured out and it scares me. So much so that I have to work hard every day to surround myself with positive thoughts and activities. Otherwise it would be too easy to go down that rabbit hole to a place of despair. I could easily become depressed. I have to force myself not to go there. Whatever works.

I play the "what if" game a lot. I remember many years ago hearing Dr. Phil say if you're going to play the "what if" game then you need to answer the "what if" question. What if I never work again? What if I can't figure out what to do with the rest of my life? What if something happens to my safety net? What if I have no way to support myself? What if I become homeless? What if I get sick? And it gets progressively worse... What if someone I love dies? I can keep going and going with the worst case scenarios. If I let myself do that for too long it becomes crippling. To be in a "funk" means to be cowering in fear. And once you're funked you are really f_cked! It's difficult to answer the question once you've gone this far beyond reason.

I don't want my days to be spent in a fearful funk. I want to operate from a place of love. I know I need to be kind to myself in order to love myself. It takes a daily reminder not to beat myself up for what I shoulda', coulda', woulda' done. In order to be kind to myself I consciously spend my days engaged in positive thoughts and exercises. Otherwise I'm sunk in a funk! Elizabeth Gilbert has said that when she was in her darkest time (her funk) she forced herself to search for something "beautiful" in the world. Damn it! I'm not going home and cry until I see something beautiful. She saw circus elephants and it was amazing! I have to force myself to look for the beautiful in everyday too. I walk outside, take in the beautiful scenery and get fresh air. I eat a good breakfast. I read enlightening books and articles. I watch "Super Soul Sunday" and "Master Class" on the OWN channel. I watch inspiring TED talks. I surround myself with positive people. I find opportunities to laugh. I write this blog. I try to be inspired and inspiring.

I commented to my friend that I do all of this everyday to help me sort out my STUFF. ALL just to sort out my STUFF. I work through my stuff in an attempt to get to a place of peace. Sometimes I pray. I should probably pray more often. Most of the time my best prayer is taken from one of my favorite Jackson Browne songs "Your Bright Baby Blues". It goes like this - "Pray to God for me babe, he can let me slide". (Working out his stuff through music). More often than not I'm just praying that God will let me slide. This time and the next time and the next one hundred times.

I realized that a lot of people do what they do to work out their STUFF. All that Oprah has ever done revolves around working out her stuff. For the last thirty years! Looking at my bookshelf I note that Pema Chodron, Anne Lamott, Elizabeth Gilbert, Paolo Coehlo and others have all written books about working out their own STUFF. The book store shelves are filled with stories of people working out their STUFF. AHA! I'm not the only one. We ALL do what we do to sort out our stuff. Simple as that.

I work hard everyday to be grateful and choose positive thoughts and activities to avoid the "f_cked up, funked up life. I don't have it all together. I just appear to.

Gotta make a move to a town that's right for me
Town to keep me movin', keep me groovin' with some energy*


Just replace the word "town" with the word "thought".

* Lyrics to "Funkytown" by the Lipps, Inc.

Peace, Love and Oprah

Last week at this time I was waiting for the start of Oprah's "Life You Want" weekend. The experience was incredible and life changing. Oprah spoke for two hours about using your unique and extraordinary spirit to get the life you want. Here are just some of the more important words of wisdom she had to share. I hope that these words bring a few "AHA" moments.

• The life you want is about starting each day anew. Living your calling. Believing in who you can and will become. Uplifting yourself and then others. Celebrating the daily dawning of possibility. 
• To get the life you want you first have to look at the life you have.
• There is no life without a spiritual life. Your life is always speaking to you. You need to listen to your spiritual GPS for everything you are going to do.
• Everything you've ever done and everyone you have every touched is your LEGACY.
• The ordinary moments make for an extraordinary life.
• Purpose is spirit seeking expression.
• What doesn't work in your life is information. Use that information to move in a new direction.
• Everybody has a calling. It's your job in life to pay attention and share it. Nothing you have ever been given as a GIFT was meant to be kept to yourself. Your life is validated by your service to others.
• Not everyone can be famous but everyone can be GREAT.
• Everyone wants the same thing in life. Everyone wants to be heard and know that they matter.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. What you put out is going to come back. If you put out hate you will get hate back. If you put out love you will get love back.
• You become what you believe. We are held back by our negative beliefs.
• You have the power to let negative thoughts go. Rephrase negative thoughts into positive phrases that are empowering.
• Worry and fear is trusting in your own power.
• You are responsible for the energy you bring.
• You have a finite amount of time and a finite amount of energy. What will you do with your time and energy?
• Your greatest power is your ability to love. Everyday you get another chance to choose love.
• Failure is life at its most poignant pushing us in a new direction.
• You get to choose the way you think about things. What you focus on expands.
• When you want something all the universe rises up to where you are to help you achieve it.
• Messages come to you in whispers. Listen to the whispers. A whisper feels like a hmmm... If you say to yourself "That's odd"; "that's not right"; "this doesn't make sense..." then listen. That is your life speaking to you. Pay attention to the whispers. 
• If it doesn't challenge you it doesn't change you.
• Everything you've been through is going to help you GET through. 
• Whatever has happened to you has happened FOR you.
• Nothing that has ever happened to you was WASTED.
• You can't figure out what you're supposed to do if you have to ask someone else.
• When in doubt do nothing. Be still for awhile.
• It is time to say "yes" to your life and say "yes" to your dreams.
• Train yourself to say "thank you" every day.
• Write a new story for yourself. Start to live that story intentionally.

Find some of the stories shared at the "Life You Want" weekend and more inspirational messages in her new book "What I Know for Sure" by Oprah Winfrey.