Writer's Block

It's confession time - "Forgive me for I have not written a blog post in awhile". I have been suffering from writer's block. For a time this Pollyanna was on a roll. I had loads of great ideas and even made a list of topics to write about. All these super-fantastic ideas would keep me going for months. If I managed to produce just three hundred blog posts then maybe I could compile these into an inspirational book. At least it would be something I could leave to my kids. That would be so awesome!

Then "bam" I was hit with a brick to the head.

As a librarian I don't always turn to Wikipedia as a reliable source but in this case I do like their definition:

"Writer's block is a condition, primarily associated with writing, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work or experiences a creative slowdown."

The article goes on to state various reasons that a writer might suffer from writer's block such as lack of inspiration, daily distractions or adverse events in one's life.

By some stretch of the imagination what happened to me could be classified as an "adverse event". A person that I don't even know used my blog postings in a critical and disparaging way to form a negative opinion about me and the life I have led. That's the way I interpreted it. I was hurt and scared. I felt shallow.

In an instant I formulated the belief in my head that my "silly, little blog" was not going to help anyone (including myself) but might actually hurt someone I loved. Then the floodgates really opened. "What were you thinking? You're no writer. You don't even know what you're talking about. You're just pretending to be a writer like you did when you were a little girl. Did you even read Eats, Shoots & Leaves?" And the worst and most ridiculous thing that popped into my mind was "Do you even remember how to do a tree diagram of a sentence anymore?".

Ugh! I hate having that Negative Nellie on my shoulder. So I've been blocked. For months. It's not that I have nothing to say but that I've been AFRAID to say it. What if I hurt someone's feelings? What if I get sued? What if my contribution to social media is harmful to someone else? It's too heavy a burden to bear.

I don't like to play the "what if" game and I really don't like to function from a place of "fear". That's what this is really about. FEAR. Fear blocks us. I started to think about other "blocks" that we've created in our lives. We put up personal relationship blocks, work blocks, fear of failure blocks, weight loss blocks, financial blocks, educational blocks, health blocks and a plethora of other restraints that prevent us from doing the things we want to do. Whatever it is that we are afraid of causes us to creatively and productively shut down.

What would happen if we substituted one of these "other" obstacles for the word "writer's block" in the Wikipedia definition?

"Relationship block is a condition, primarily associated with being in a relationship, in which a person loses the ability to engage in a new relationship or experiences an emotional, relational or intimate slowdown."

"Work block is a condition, primarily associated with employment, in which an employee loses the ability to produce new work or experiences a creative slowdown."

You get the drift. They all impair our ability to try something new and they all slow us down.

Aha! We put up mental road blocks that keep us from physically continuing down the road.

Tim Storey is a motivational speaker and minister who has a new book called Comeback and Beyond: How to Turn Your Setbacks into Comebacks. He says that sometimes people have a setback, get stuck and then "settle in" to being stuck. They just stay in that stuck place for the rest of their life. They never move out of being stuck. I could feel myself settling in and staying stuck. I needed a comeback and I needed it now.

I've been scared before and I've been stuck before. I've had numerous blocks that have prevented me from moving forward. Eventually I sort things out in my head and realize that the biggest thing being stuck does is waste valuable time that could be spent on living.

Anne Lamott in her inevitable wisdom helped me with getting "unstuck" in this situation. In her latest post she talks about turning 61. She wanted to pass on words of wisdom and acknowledge some of the things she had learned in her lifetime. This is what she had to say about the writing process:

"Writing: shitty first drafts. Butt in chair. Just do it. You own everything that happened to you. You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves in your heart--your stories, visions, memories, songs: your truth, your version of things, in your voice. That is really all you have to offer us, and it's why you were born".

You can read the post in its entirety on Anne Lamott's Facebook page.

I have been told on more than one occasion that am a transparent person. I suppose that's true. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I usually don't mind sharing my life experiences with others. For the last four months I let the words of someone that I didn't know get into my head and temporarily restrict me from expressing who I am. I let it get in the way of my story. 

Stories inspire, motivate and teach. I learn from the life stories of other people. The best part of being a librarian is listening to patron stories and sharing experiences. One of my favorite broadcasts on NPR is StoryCorps. I follow Elizabeth Gilbert, Anne Lamott, Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle Melton and other motivational and inspirational people just to know their stories. These people that I admire never started out to be writers but life led them to write their stuff down.

Like them I have my own stories to tell. I use my blog to do that. I write for myself and I write for others who may be struggling with some of the same issues and emotions that I am feeling. I may never speak on a Ted Talk, share my soul with Oprah or publish a book but I can talk about my experiences and share my stories in the hopes that they will provide inspiration and motivation to others. Because in the end that might just be why I was born.

This Heroine's Journey

Maya Angelou said "Everyone has a story. If you have a story to tell you need to tell it". I have a story to tell. The reason I started this blog was to tell my story. Telling my story helps remind me of who I am. Telling my story helps me make sense of what has happened in my life. I hope that by using my voice to tell my story I can give inspiration to others.

On a recent episode of Oprah's Master Class Billy Bob Thornton said "Don't wait for someone else to tell your story. Tell your own story". I do have a story to tell but I've kind of been waiting for someone else's story to corroborate with mine. I realize now that it is important for me to tell my story and not wait for someone else to do it.

Six months ago I quit my job. I quit my job because I was asked to do something that I believed was illegal. I was asked to participate in "illegal hiring practices" in which qualified candidates for a management position in one of my libraries were not considered for interview. I wanted to interview them but my supervisors said "no". Three of these candidates were known to be from a "protected class". I was directed to interview less qualified candidates. In the end I was "ordered" to offer the job to a friend of the boss. I did not want to participate in unethical and possibly illegal employment activities so I walked away. I walked away from an extremely toxic work environment. There were many other issues but this was the one that really crossed my ethical line. After giving notice I was presented with a legal document that equated to a "gag order" and pay off. I did not sign it or accept the pay off.  I walked away from a career that I loved. I walked away from a good paycheck.

I walked away with my integrity. I walked away with my voice. I still have my voice and I am so grateful for that. My voice matters and is worth more than any amount of money. I have my voice and I can use it to tell my story.

To some my story might sound like the makings of a thriller novel. I could fill a book with tales of my exposure to discrimination, racism, bullying, threats, sexual harassment, oppression, cronyism, lies, manipulation, favoritism, tyranny and corruption. I have a doozy of a story to tell. I'm still grappling with when, where, how and who to tell it to. If I don't share my story and use it for good then I might as well have signed that "gag order.

There have been many moments when I just wanted to let it go and move on. I am happy to be out of that situation. Let it go and don't think about it anymore. But my conscience keeps bringing me back to where I "tell my story". Other people are involved. Other people have been mislead and abused. If I do nothing someone else could unknowingly get hurt. Those bullies in the workplace will continue to play a sick game and undermine peoples lives. There are good, honest people who count on their jobs to provide for their families. These people are being ruled by fear at the hands of a tyrant.  Fear of losing their jobs keeps them from fighting or speaking up at this time. It is not right. This is not the way people should be treated in society in 2014. I can use my voice and fight the good fight. My voice gives me the power to do that. It's not okay for the "bad guys" to win.

Author, Elizabeth Gilbert states that most great stories are based on the premise of the "hero's journey" formulated by Joseph Campbell. To summarize:

A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man.

Joseph Campbell says that there are 17 stages to the hero's journey. These stages are divided into three phases: Separation, Initiation and Return. In the separation phase the hero is forced to leave the known/normal world and venture out into a dangerous unknown realm. The hero usually has to survive a severe challenge. The final step of separation involves the hero entering into the "belly of the whale" and agreeing to undergo a change.

The initiation phase of the journey includes the "road of trials". The hero encounters numerous trials, tribulations and failures in this phase of the journey. This is where the hero must face the giant. Often there is a period of rest, peace and fulfillment before the hero continues on the quest. Eventually the climax of the journey happens and the tension in the story is resolved. The hero wins!

In the return phase of the journey the excitement is over and the hero returns to a "normal" albeit transformed life. The hero is able to share the wisdom of the journey with others. This transformation leads to the ultimate goal of "freedom to live". The hero has conquered the internal and external demons and can now live the life they choose. The hero is free from fear, anxiety, stress and other distractions that keep him from living in the here and now.

Embarking on this quest does not mean that I have the ability to help anyone else. I am not a hero and I don't claim that I can save the day. I just know that I have to try and do something. I believe that I am about to emerge from the belly of the whale in my own heroine's journey. I need to see where the rest of journey will take me. I am battling the injustices of an organizational giant. I'm fighting unfairness and oppression in the workplace. I can't quit now. I have to at least try to right a wrong. If it is only for my own benefit it is worth the fight. I need to continue on this quest to get to that "freedom to live" part of the story. I need to know how the story ends.

This journey will certainly end with asking "what have I learned and what I can teach others from my experience?". There is a reason this happened to me and for me. What has happened to me will not be wasted.  I have a story to tell. I'm not sure where this story will go or what the outcome will be but I will tell it with intention and purpose. I will be brave and raise my voice and tell this story. Bring it! When this story is finished and the journey complete I will write a new story for myself and live it intentionally.

Stories connect us with other people. Stories reassure us that we are not alone in this world. Stories have the power to heal. Tell me your stories and I'll tell you mine.

Funky Town

Won't you take me to Funkytown?*

A couple of weeks ago I received a phone call from a long time friend. I hadn't talked to her in awhile and was so happy to hear her voice. She said she was calling for selfish reasons. She needed my advice. Uh oh!

She said, I'm really feeling like I'm in a funk. I called to talk to you because you seem to have it all together. How do you do that?

This was surprising and really funny to hear because I rarely feel like I have it all together. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing that I appear to "have it all together".

I've heard that people operate on two emotions - fear and love.

I struggle with feelings of fear and inadequacy on a daily basis. Especially now. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm supposed "to do" with the rest of my life. I struggle with what my identity is even though I know I am more than what I do. I still struggle. I don't have any of it figured out and it scares me. So much so that I have to work hard every day to surround myself with positive thoughts and activities. Otherwise it would be too easy to go down that rabbit hole to a place of despair. I could easily become depressed. I have to force myself not to go there. Whatever works.

I play the "what if" game a lot. I remember many years ago hearing Dr. Phil say if you're going to play the "what if" game then you need to answer the "what if" question. What if I never work again? What if I can't figure out what to do with the rest of my life? What if something happens to my safety net? What if I have no way to support myself? What if I become homeless? What if I get sick? And it gets progressively worse... What if someone I love dies? I can keep going and going with the worst case scenarios. If I let myself do that for too long it becomes crippling. To be in a "funk" means to be cowering in fear. And once you're funked you are really f_cked! It's difficult to answer the question once you've gone this far beyond reason.

I don't want my days to be spent in a fearful funk. I want to operate from a place of love. I know I need to be kind to myself in order to love myself. It takes a daily reminder not to beat myself up for what I shoulda', coulda', woulda' done. In order to be kind to myself I consciously spend my days engaged in positive thoughts and exercises. Otherwise I'm sunk in a funk! Elizabeth Gilbert has said that when she was in her darkest time (her funk) she forced herself to search for something "beautiful" in the world. Damn it! I'm not going home and cry until I see something beautiful. She saw circus elephants and it was amazing! I have to force myself to look for the beautiful in everyday too. I walk outside, take in the beautiful scenery and get fresh air. I eat a good breakfast. I read enlightening books and articles. I watch "Super Soul Sunday" and "Master Class" on the OWN channel. I watch inspiring TED talks. I surround myself with positive people. I find opportunities to laugh. I write this blog. I try to be inspired and inspiring.

I commented to my friend that I do all of this everyday to help me sort out my STUFF. ALL just to sort out my STUFF. I work through my stuff in an attempt to get to a place of peace. Sometimes I pray. I should probably pray more often. Most of the time my best prayer is taken from one of my favorite Jackson Browne songs "Your Bright Baby Blues". It goes like this - "Pray to God for me babe, he can let me slide". (Working out his stuff through music). More often than not I'm just praying that God will let me slide. This time and the next time and the next one hundred times.

I realized that a lot of people do what they do to work out their STUFF. All that Oprah has ever done revolves around working out her stuff. For the last thirty years! Looking at my bookshelf I note that Pema Chodron, Anne Lamott, Elizabeth Gilbert, Paolo Coehlo and others have all written books about working out their own STUFF. The book store shelves are filled with stories of people working out their STUFF. AHA! I'm not the only one. We ALL do what we do to sort out our stuff. Simple as that.

I work hard everyday to be grateful and choose positive thoughts and activities to avoid the "f_cked up, funked up life. I don't have it all together. I just appear to.

Gotta make a move to a town that's right for me
Town to keep me movin', keep me groovin' with some energy*


Just replace the word "town" with the word "thought".

* Lyrics to "Funkytown" by the Lipps, Inc.

I'll start my zen life tomorrow

I recently spent an amazing weekend participating in Oprah's "Life You Want" tour. I took my stepmother to this Oprah weekend as a gift to celebrate her 80th birthday. I must admit that over the thirty-one years she has been married to my dad I haven't really given her a lot of good birthday presents. I knew this would be a memorable experience for both of us. Seeing Oprah was on her bucket list and I had the opportunity to make that happen. This incredible event had moved us both beyond belief.

We were inspired by the motivational words of Oprah Winfrey, Deepak Chopra, Elizabeth Gilbert, Rob Bell and Iyanla VanZant. I have so much to share but before I share all of the inspirational messages I first  need to tell you about what happened immediately AFTER the event.

It was a long day and we were both physically and emotionally exhausted. All we wanted to do was get back to the hotel, have a nice dinner, reflect on our experience and rest.

We arrived back at the hotel to raucous and loud shouts of "Who Dat?" coming from all directions. The Saints had indeed come marching in. There were three bus loads of New Orleans Saints fans who had just arrived at our hotel and they were all loud, pumped and DRUNK. Apparently there is a big rivalry between the Saints and the Atlanta Falcons. I did not know dat.

We proceeded with our plan to eat a nice quiet dinner in the very small and quiet hotel restaurant. There were several tables of ladies in the restaurant who had also just come from the Oprah event. All of us were basking in the light of our glowing Oprah wristbands and reflecting on the day. There were two families in the restaurant including one with a little boy about 3 years old. Did I mention that it was QUIET and peaceful?

Shortly after we ordered our meal a group of rowdy and already drunk males came in and sat at the bar. Every person who walked by the lobby wearing black and gold received a booming Who Dat? that I'm certain could be heard all the way up to the 28th floor. The more they talked about the upcoming game and the history of the Saints the louder they became and the more we heard the "F" bomb. It was really starting to get out of hand.

Many of my friends may not know this but I am really, really bothered by rude and disrespectful behavior. So much so that I often then exhibit rude and disrespectful behavior in return! Oprah believes that what you are putting out into the universe is going to come back to you. Rude begets rude. Hate begets hate. Love begets love. I regret that in this instance I perpetuated that cycle of rudeness. But on to the rest of the story...

In my defense (and Lord knows I need one) I did attempt the rational approach to solving this problem. I spoke to our waiter, Fred, and the supervisor at the front and said Is there anyone who can do anything about the noise? We can't even enjoy our dinner. Other tables were starting to complain as well.

Fred: I'm over 60. My nerves are shot. I can't take this. 
Supervisor: I'm not talking to those drunk guys.

At this point in time I only saw one path I could take. I went over to the bar and confronted them.

Me: Hi, gentlemen (even though they were NOT). You may not be aware of the fact that there are other people in this restaurant trying to enjoy dinner and your loud shouting is disturbing our peace.

Rowdy, drunk Saints fan: Too bad

Me: There are several sports bars in the area so perhaps you can go there and be loud.

Rowdy, drunk fan: Maybe we will or maybe we won't. This isn't a church lady. It's a bar.

Rowdy, drunk Saints fan # 2: What are you going to do about it? Punch me? 

Me: (My thoughts not my actual words - No you idiot- I'm a 5'2" middle aged librarian. I'm not going to punch you). No, I'm not going to punch you. I'm just asking you nicely to be respectful of the other people in the restaurant who are trying to enjoy their dinners. The loudness and the profanity are disturbing.

Rowdy, drunk Saints fan: Take your shit and get out of my f...ing face.

The "F" bomb was dropped many more times along with the word "Bitch".

I probably shouldn't have interfered in their energy space.

Here's what I wanted to say:
Do you know who I am?  I am a graduate of the Oprah School of Spiritual Living! Or would you talk to your mother like that? Or Yea, I am going to punch you with my Oprah Power Bracelet! Or you wanna know "who dat? I am your worst nightmare! Wisely I chose not to antagonize them further.

I left the bar area and proceeded to the front desk and requested a manager on duty and security be sent to the restaurant to deal with the drunk, obnoxious Saints fans.

During this time my stepmom and poor Fred (our waiter) were intently watching the drama unfold. As well as everyone else in the dining room including the three year old boy.

Fred: What is she doing?
Stepmom: She's going to tell those guys to shut up.
Fred: I can't take the stress. Those guys are from Louisiana. I'm scared of people from Louisiana.
Stepmom:  I'm scared of people from Louisiana too.
Fred:  She's a little spitfire isn't she.

I returned to our table and announced that the manager and security were on the way.

Fred:  Boy, you are tough. Are you a teacher or something? ( I must have used a teacher voice)
Me: No. I'm just a middle-aged librarian over 50 who doesn't want to put up with crap like that.

The assistant manager of the restaurant was totally ineffective when he walked around to every table and asked diners if they were enjoying their meal. Everyone said no. He then went over to the bar and told the guys that they needed to tone it down or they would have to leave. They all responded with a loud Booooooo... and proceeded to throw wadded up paper and napkins at him. It took security 20 minutes to arrive. These two hotel security guards were pretty skinny and scrawny and really were no match for the drunk Saints fans. We finished our dinner in disturbed chaos and the drunkards proceeded to get drunker. They didn't get kicked out, they weren't held accountable for their bad behavior, the police were not called, and justice was not served as far as we know. We never heard from the hotel manager on duty.

On the way back to our room we met two fellow diners and Oprah attendees at the elevator. I felt somewhat "validated" when they said they could not believe how those guys had talked to me and that they wouldn't want their daughters dating guys like that. Then one of them said what a bunch of f...ing assholes. Her friend punched her in the arm with her glowing Oprah wristband.

What would Deepak Chopra do? He would meditate and know that those imbeciles would come back in another life as dung beetles. I'll probably come back as a hornet or a banana spider. Deepak would have called room service. I'm positive that Oprah would have handled the whole situation with a cool, calm and authoritarian demeanor. Iyanla VanZant might have sided with me and then try to "fix my life".

The kicker is that I WAS filled with peace, love and understanding when I came out of this wonderful weekend event only to have to deal with drunk, obnoxious, rude people in the real world.

Who Dat? you say. I'm the crazy, middle aged woman who put it out into the universe that I want your team to LOSE and LOSE bad. I want your team to LOSE for the entire football season. The fact that the Saints lost to the Atlanta Falcons in overtime by 3 points makes me more of a believer in the power of the universe. How's that for karmic justice? Talk about that you bozos! I apologize to any of my friends who are New Orleans Saints fans and the team. The team should not have to suffer for the behavior of these particular obnoxious fans at the restaurant. But if the entire season is terrible you know who to thank.

It all sounds rather funny when I tell the story but in that moment I did not act like I had learned a darn thing at this special weekend event. Oprah said that purpose is your spirit seeking expression. I may have acted with purpose when I elected to call out this bad behavior and try and stop it. However, I did not act purposefully in a loving, kind, thoughtful or peaceful way. I just contributed to a stressful situation becoming more stressful. I don't think this was the best way for my spirit to express itself. How does MY own behavior in this situation positively serve me or anyone else?

Oprah also spoke of gratitude and the power of saying thank you.  I am grateful for:

1. Finding my voice and not being afraid to use it (although I might want to work on when is an appropriate time and when to keep it shut).
2. The opportunity to learn from this experience.
3. The possibility that someone else learned something from the "crazy lady" at the bar.
4. Not getting hurt. My decision to confront them could have had fatal consequences in the society that we live in today.  I'm grateful that no one else in the restaurant was hurt.

Another thing that Oprah said is what isn't working in your life is valuable information to move you in a new direction. 

So... I guess I'll take this information and start my zen life tomorrow.