Writer's Block

It's confession time - "Forgive me for I have not written a blog post in awhile". I have been suffering from writer's block. For a time this Pollyanna was on a roll. I had loads of great ideas and even made a list of topics to write about. All these super-fantastic ideas would keep me going for months. If I managed to produce just three hundred blog posts then maybe I could compile these into an inspirational book. At least it would be something I could leave to my kids. That would be so awesome!

Then "bam" I was hit with a brick to the head.

As a librarian I don't always turn to Wikipedia as a reliable source but in this case I do like their definition:

"Writer's block is a condition, primarily associated with writing, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work or experiences a creative slowdown."

The article goes on to state various reasons that a writer might suffer from writer's block such as lack of inspiration, daily distractions or adverse events in one's life.

By some stretch of the imagination what happened to me could be classified as an "adverse event". A person that I don't even know used my blog postings in a critical and disparaging way to form a negative opinion about me and the life I have led. That's the way I interpreted it. I was hurt and scared. I felt shallow.

In an instant I formulated the belief in my head that my "silly, little blog" was not going to help anyone (including myself) but might actually hurt someone I loved. Then the floodgates really opened. "What were you thinking? You're no writer. You don't even know what you're talking about. You're just pretending to be a writer like you did when you were a little girl. Did you even read Eats, Shoots & Leaves?" And the worst and most ridiculous thing that popped into my mind was "Do you even remember how to do a tree diagram of a sentence anymore?".

Ugh! I hate having that Negative Nellie on my shoulder. So I've been blocked. For months. It's not that I have nothing to say but that I've been AFRAID to say it. What if I hurt someone's feelings? What if I get sued? What if my contribution to social media is harmful to someone else? It's too heavy a burden to bear.

I don't like to play the "what if" game and I really don't like to function from a place of "fear". That's what this is really about. FEAR. Fear blocks us. I started to think about other "blocks" that we've created in our lives. We put up personal relationship blocks, work blocks, fear of failure blocks, weight loss blocks, financial blocks, educational blocks, health blocks and a plethora of other restraints that prevent us from doing the things we want to do. Whatever it is that we are afraid of causes us to creatively and productively shut down.

What would happen if we substituted one of these "other" obstacles for the word "writer's block" in the Wikipedia definition?

"Relationship block is a condition, primarily associated with being in a relationship, in which a person loses the ability to engage in a new relationship or experiences an emotional, relational or intimate slowdown."

"Work block is a condition, primarily associated with employment, in which an employee loses the ability to produce new work or experiences a creative slowdown."

You get the drift. They all impair our ability to try something new and they all slow us down.

Aha! We put up mental road blocks that keep us from physically continuing down the road.

Tim Storey is a motivational speaker and minister who has a new book called Comeback and Beyond: How to Turn Your Setbacks into Comebacks. He says that sometimes people have a setback, get stuck and then "settle in" to being stuck. They just stay in that stuck place for the rest of their life. They never move out of being stuck. I could feel myself settling in and staying stuck. I needed a comeback and I needed it now.

I've been scared before and I've been stuck before. I've had numerous blocks that have prevented me from moving forward. Eventually I sort things out in my head and realize that the biggest thing being stuck does is waste valuable time that could be spent on living.

Anne Lamott in her inevitable wisdom helped me with getting "unstuck" in this situation. In her latest post she talks about turning 61. She wanted to pass on words of wisdom and acknowledge some of the things she had learned in her lifetime. This is what she had to say about the writing process:

"Writing: shitty first drafts. Butt in chair. Just do it. You own everything that happened to you. You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves in your heart--your stories, visions, memories, songs: your truth, your version of things, in your voice. That is really all you have to offer us, and it's why you were born".

You can read the post in its entirety on Anne Lamott's Facebook page.

I have been told on more than one occasion that am a transparent person. I suppose that's true. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I usually don't mind sharing my life experiences with others. For the last four months I let the words of someone that I didn't know get into my head and temporarily restrict me from expressing who I am. I let it get in the way of my story. 

Stories inspire, motivate and teach. I learn from the life stories of other people. The best part of being a librarian is listening to patron stories and sharing experiences. One of my favorite broadcasts on NPR is StoryCorps. I follow Elizabeth Gilbert, Anne Lamott, Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle Melton and other motivational and inspirational people just to know their stories. These people that I admire never started out to be writers but life led them to write their stuff down.

Like them I have my own stories to tell. I use my blog to do that. I write for myself and I write for others who may be struggling with some of the same issues and emotions that I am feeling. I may never speak on a Ted Talk, share my soul with Oprah or publish a book but I can talk about my experiences and share my stories in the hopes that they will provide inspiration and motivation to others. Because in the end that might just be why I was born.

Funky Town

Won't you take me to Funkytown?*

A couple of weeks ago I received a phone call from a long time friend. I hadn't talked to her in awhile and was so happy to hear her voice. She said she was calling for selfish reasons. She needed my advice. Uh oh!

She said, I'm really feeling like I'm in a funk. I called to talk to you because you seem to have it all together. How do you do that?

This was surprising and really funny to hear because I rarely feel like I have it all together. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing that I appear to "have it all together".

I've heard that people operate on two emotions - fear and love.

I struggle with feelings of fear and inadequacy on a daily basis. Especially now. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm supposed "to do" with the rest of my life. I struggle with what my identity is even though I know I am more than what I do. I still struggle. I don't have any of it figured out and it scares me. So much so that I have to work hard every day to surround myself with positive thoughts and activities. Otherwise it would be too easy to go down that rabbit hole to a place of despair. I could easily become depressed. I have to force myself not to go there. Whatever works.

I play the "what if" game a lot. I remember many years ago hearing Dr. Phil say if you're going to play the "what if" game then you need to answer the "what if" question. What if I never work again? What if I can't figure out what to do with the rest of my life? What if something happens to my safety net? What if I have no way to support myself? What if I become homeless? What if I get sick? And it gets progressively worse... What if someone I love dies? I can keep going and going with the worst case scenarios. If I let myself do that for too long it becomes crippling. To be in a "funk" means to be cowering in fear. And once you're funked you are really f_cked! It's difficult to answer the question once you've gone this far beyond reason.

I don't want my days to be spent in a fearful funk. I want to operate from a place of love. I know I need to be kind to myself in order to love myself. It takes a daily reminder not to beat myself up for what I shoulda', coulda', woulda' done. In order to be kind to myself I consciously spend my days engaged in positive thoughts and exercises. Otherwise I'm sunk in a funk! Elizabeth Gilbert has said that when she was in her darkest time (her funk) she forced herself to search for something "beautiful" in the world. Damn it! I'm not going home and cry until I see something beautiful. She saw circus elephants and it was amazing! I have to force myself to look for the beautiful in everyday too. I walk outside, take in the beautiful scenery and get fresh air. I eat a good breakfast. I read enlightening books and articles. I watch "Super Soul Sunday" and "Master Class" on the OWN channel. I watch inspiring TED talks. I surround myself with positive people. I find opportunities to laugh. I write this blog. I try to be inspired and inspiring.

I commented to my friend that I do all of this everyday to help me sort out my STUFF. ALL just to sort out my STUFF. I work through my stuff in an attempt to get to a place of peace. Sometimes I pray. I should probably pray more often. Most of the time my best prayer is taken from one of my favorite Jackson Browne songs "Your Bright Baby Blues". It goes like this - "Pray to God for me babe, he can let me slide". (Working out his stuff through music). More often than not I'm just praying that God will let me slide. This time and the next time and the next one hundred times.

I realized that a lot of people do what they do to work out their STUFF. All that Oprah has ever done revolves around working out her stuff. For the last thirty years! Looking at my bookshelf I note that Pema Chodron, Anne Lamott, Elizabeth Gilbert, Paolo Coehlo and others have all written books about working out their own STUFF. The book store shelves are filled with stories of people working out their STUFF. AHA! I'm not the only one. We ALL do what we do to sort out our stuff. Simple as that.

I work hard everyday to be grateful and choose positive thoughts and activities to avoid the "f_cked up, funked up life. I don't have it all together. I just appear to.

Gotta make a move to a town that's right for me
Town to keep me movin', keep me groovin' with some energy*


Just replace the word "town" with the word "thought".

* Lyrics to "Funkytown" by the Lipps, Inc.

Bucket List

I've been thinking about my bucket list lately. A lot. This all came about from attending Oprah's "Life You Want" weekend. Oprah gently guided us through workshops and exercises designed to help us discover what "the rest of our life" (after the weekend) would look like.  The excitement of figuring out my new life was shattered when I started calculating how much time that actually might be. Then I started to panic. I'm 52 years old. How much time do I really have left to do the things that I want to do? Have I wasted some of the time I was given already? Can I make up for it? Do I get a do-over? What DO I really want to do with whatever time I have left. If I'm lucky I may have another twenty to  thirty good years. If I'm lucky...

The chance to experience Oprah's words of wisdom was a lifetime dream for me and my stepmother. It was amazing. Check - Oprah can now be crossed off the bucket list. A nice woman named Talie sat next to us at the event and over the course of an evening and a day we learned a little more about her. She told us that she was having heart surgery in a week and she had always wanted to see Oprah. Oprah was on her bucket list too. Talie told us that if she didn't survive the surgery she was happy that one of the last things she got to do was see Oprah. I don't know how her surgery turned out because I did not get her contact information. I really hope Talie made it and can continue to cross other things off her bucket list. It occurred to me that IF I had a bucket list what would be on it?

I went online to see what others had to say about "bucket lists". I learned that there are thousands of ideas for things to do before you die. Not only are there ideas for what you might want to do but there are lists for what you SHOULD do before you die.  There are bucket lists suggestions for every season. There are lists for things to do before you turn 30, 40 or 50. There are "date night" bucket lists and "vacation" bucket lists. There's a list for things to do before and after you have a baby.  I even found one list entitled "The ULTIMATE Bucket List". Talk about pressure. All of a sudden not having a "bucket list" made me feel seriously inadequate.

I do understand the concept of the bucket list. I'm a list maker and I always have been. Lists help you get things done. Writing your dreams down on paper puts those dreams out into the universe. It creates a vision for making those wishes come true. It provides a rewarding schedule of fun things to look forward to in the future. Is it really possible to do ALL the things on your list while still living in the here and now? Before you die. 

I wondered if I even needed a bucket list. I definitely don't need to climb a mountain, scuba dive, sky dive, learn to speak Chinese, sail around the world or learn to be champion tap dancer to feel that my life has meaning. I have no desire to run a marathon, see a volcano, take up an extreme sport or fly in a helicopter to feel significant. I especially don't need the urgency or the stress of having to accomplish everything on my "bucket list". That might be enough to kill me. 

In looking back over my life I can already "check off" some amazing experiences. I grew up with a loving and supportive family. I learned many life lessons from my grandparents. Those lessons are better than anything I could have learned from Oprah. My grandparents showed me how to live a good life. I'm extremely grateful to still be able to have quality time with my parents. All four of them. My family means the most to me and I love any time I can spend with them. I've fallen in love a few times. I've had my heart broken a few times. From the heartbreak I learned to recognize what true love feels like and I have that now. I've given birth to two amazing human beings. That is a miracle. If I experience nothing else in this life my two boys are the greatest gifts and miracles I have known. I graduated from college and later received a masters degree. I've acquired wisdom and insight from work experiences that have furthered my education beyond school. I've lived in seven different states and have been gifted with the most fantastic lifetime friends from all of those places. I've traveled to twenty-five out of fifty states in the U.S. Seeing the other twenty-five is doable. I would like to see the rest of the USA by RV the way my dad has seen it. I've traveled to other beautiful countries and experienced other cultures.  I've made my way back to the South and am living in the place of my dreams with the man of my dreams. I have a comfortable home and love spending time there. I have been blessed by the life experiences I've already had. 

If I were to make a list of things "to do" before I die it would be fairly short. I just want to do the things I love with the people I love. It has become easier to focus on what those things are as I have become older. It would be nice to visit a few places if time and money allowed - Seattle, San Diego, San Francisco, the Grand Tetons, New York City.  There are a few other countries I would like to see but if I only traveled to Italy to eat a really fabulous meal I would be happy with that. I don't need to read all the classic literature ever written. I would be thrilled just to read the books on my bookshelf. Those books were hand selected by ME and for ME because I thought they would be interesting. I would like to read them. I'm content with being at a place in my life where I really don't need a whole lot. I have no regrets for what I haven't done yet. 

The most important wish on my list is for my boys to be happy. I want them to know how much they are loved. Every day. I want them to know joy in their life. I want them to know that their life is a gift. I want them to know that all of the happy times make up for any disappointments. I don't want them to fret about the past or fear the future. I've done way too much of that in my 52 years and I want them to learn from me that it's not that important in the big scheme of life. I want them to know love. I want them to be proud of all they do. I want them to be content. I want them to know peace. I want them to know that the life they have matters. That's all. 

I want my dear, sweet husband to know how very much he is loved. I want him to know how grateful I am that we found each other. Every day. I want to grow old with him and I pray that I have the chance to do that. 

The "bucket list" concept seems to me like focusing on "going out with a bang" while underscoring the importance of just living in the moment. Is it really necessary to put "inspire someone" or "witness a miracle" or "pursue your passion" or "perform and act of kindness" on a list to be crossed off with a pen? Those are not big accomplishments. We should do them anyway. Every day. Rob Bell, minister and author, says that life itself is a miracle. When you are born and take your first breath "it is a miracle". Breathing every day is a miracle. Waking up and realizing that you are breathing and doing THAT every day until you take your last breath is a miracle. The life you want begins with the life you have now. It's the little everyday things that matter. It matters and it is miraculous. We only have today. We don't know about tomorrow. 

If I knew that I would "kick the bucket" tomorrow I would go to the beach. I would spread out a blanket and gather my family around. We would listen to Jimmy Buffet music and drink wine. We would eat good food (fried chicken, mashed potatoes, ham biscuits, vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup, peach cobbler, apple pie, key lime pie and cheesecake. If I'm dying I won't need anything healthy like vegetables!) We would tell stories. We would hug each other. I would do all this while I waited for the end in a place where the earth stretches out to the horizon to meet up with heaven. If I'm lucky...

My Bucket List:

1. Spend time with the people I love

2. Tell the people I love that I love them. Do this a lot.

3. Breathe and be grateful for it.

4. Say "thank you" for the day.