Love Match

My husband and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary last week. We met on Match.com. We are a Match.com success story! We should be in one of their commercials.  I know at least four other married couples who met on Match.com. For "older" people who don't want to meet someone at a bar or at work (complicated) Match.com is a very good option.

I joined Match.com seven years ago. A girlfriend encouraged me to sign-up when she joined. She said it could be like a "wingman" situation and we could help each other sort out the possibilities. I wasn't sure that I was ready but I joined for the shortest and cheapest time period to help my friend out AND test the waters. I "met" my husband online after three weeks. He emailed me. I did not find him. I ignored him and almost deleted him. Until I went to Florida a few days later to visit family. I told my stepmom that I had joined Match.com but I thought I might quit when the initial time period was up. I wasn't sure that I was ready. I had sorted through what seemed like hundreds of DUDS. Every guy seemed yucky and creepy. I told her that I had received a few emails.

Stepmom: "Let me see what you've got to work with."

Me: "Doesn't this one look like a serial killer?"

SM: "What's wrong with this one (my now husband)? He looks really nice."

Me: "Ugh! He looks like a big nerd. And he's an engineer. I'm NEVER having another relationship with an engineer. They speak a totally different language than I do!"

SM: (Reading his profile) "He sounds nice. Listen to this. He says he likes to listen to the rain and walk on the beach and drink wine."

Me: "They ALL say that. They all say they they like to watch romantic comedies and snuggle and drink wine until you actually go on a date. Then you find out that all they want to do is watch Red Sox games all the time!" 

SM: "Well this one sounds really nice and you're being a snob." 

And then for the real zinger...

SM: "At your age you can't afford to be so picky! (I was 46 at the time). You should be going out on a date with anyone who asks you. This guy seems nice and you just can't ignore his email. You have to at least respond."

Me: "Oh, alright."

So I go into my dad's office to type an email response.

Me: "Dear nerdy guy with the awful photo. Thank you for the nice email. My stepmother thinks you seem nice. She is making me do this..."
On second thought I better not be so snarky. Start over.

"Dear X. Thank you for the nice email. Sorry I have not responded but I have been on vacation" ( a little bit of a stretch but somewhat of the truth). Blah, blah, blah...

He responded back with another NICE email. Oooh. He likes wine. I like wine. He likes to play Scrabble. I like to play Scrabble. He grew up in Florida. I'm from Florida. Hey, he might actually get me!

We emailed back and forth for about ten days then made a plan to talk on the phone. The first night we talked for three hours. The second night we talked for three hours. He had a lot of interesting stories to tell. He had a deep, sexy voice. We had a lot in common. Oooh! This is starting to get interesting. After about a week of talking on the phone we made a date to meet in person. 

We met at a local restaurant for dinner and ended up talking for almost three hours. The conversation was pretty good however I wasn't feeling confident that there would be a second date. He seemed a little shy, didn't dress particularly well and I wasn't really physically attracted to him. We had a brief hug at my car and I drove home thinking that there would definitely NOT be another date.

But the guy kept calling me and I REALLY liked the guy on the phone. We made a plan for a second date a week later. My thought was that unless it was truly horrific the first time that I should give everyone a second chance. Everyone is nervous on a first date and may not be showing their true personality. 

My guy came to pick me up at my apartment this time. He had a cute little convertible. He also was wearing Levis and a nice rugby shirt. He looked much better in jeans. I saw potential. We went out for pizza and bowling. Bowling was a better choice because it involved action! Action dates are good. We had to focus on other things besides just staring at each other across a table while eating and talking. Even though this date was better I still left date # 2 feeling a little unsure.

But he just kept calling me. He wanted to go out on Thursday. I told him that it was the season premier of Grey's Anatomy and I wasn't going anywhere. He could come over and watch it with me if he wanted. So he came over to watch this show that he had never seen before with me. The poor guy tried to be a little bolder and suggested that he wanted to get to know me better. I shut him right down. I actually said "I really like the guy on the phone. I'm still not sure about the guy sitting next to me on the couch!" Ouch. That was a little harsh. I can not believe that he did not run away at this point and actually called me again. He just kept calling! He must have really liked me. So I just kept talking to this really nice guy on the phone.

We made a plan for a fourth date to go into Boston for Italian food in the North End. It was late in the afternoon by the time he picked me up and I hadn't eaten much that day. I get cranky when I haven't had much to eat and my blood sugar drops. Really cranky! By the time we got to the North End I was not a nice person. At this point I think my guy finally realized that he probably didn't want to go on another date with me! I was beyond the point of making rational decisions. We ducked into the nearest restaurant, Cantina Italiana, which just happens to be the oldest Italian restaurant in the neighborhood. The delicious meal, a bottle of wine and a full belly turned me into a nice person again. He made a mental note to notice the signs and get me food before I turn into a monster in the future.  We shared wine and stories and walked all around Boston. We went to the theater district and had dessert at Finale. We walked and held hands. 

We arrived back at the subway station around 11 p.m. and when we got on the train I fell asleep on his shoulder. He didn't mind. He said it was the best feeling he had ever had because it felt like I trusted him. And I did. Getting on and off the train I realized that this guy was not going to let me fall. This guy was really nice. And kind. And gentle. And patient. And he seemed to like me. A lot! Just as I was.  How could I have been so shallow and stupid? Big Aha moment!

When we got back to my apartment around midnight and before he left to go home I said "OK, I need you to kiss me like you mean it". He did. Then I told him to come over on Thursday before Grey's Anatomy for kissing lessons...

We were engaged eighteen months later and married on the second anniversary of our first date. Happy anniversary to the sweetest man on the planet! I love you and look forward to spending the rest of my life with you.

I fear that I am guilty. Should I be worried about that?

Fear. Guilt. Should. Worry.

The four most debilitating emotions in my world. I've had a few personal experiences recently that have led me to open the door and let these evil critics in. I try not to let the negative thoughts come into my head but by habit I let them in. It's a struggle to get them out of my brain. Anne Lamott says "My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone". I know I have work to do. Again. "Ugh".

I have heard that people make decisions based on two basic emotions - Fear or Love. Fear is the emotion that guilt, should, shame, worry and other negative feelings revolve around.  Fear that something bad will happen. Fear of losing control. Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing someone or something you love. Fear so disabling that I lose my ability to enjoy daily life. It's an absolute battle to get loving thoughts back in. Hafiz, a Persian poet, who lived in the 1300s wrote "Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions". Me too.  I find it interesting that fear is still an emotional factor 700 hundred years after this quote was first spoken.

Should and Guilt are twin sisters to me. I should do this. I should NOT do that. I should have said this. I should NOT have said that. I should call this person. I should send a card to that person. I should eat better. I should exercise more. I should read more. I should clean the house. I should do something productive. I should do this. I should do that. I should, I should, I should... My very kind-hearted husband tells me "Don't should yourself". Do what you feel like doing. Don't do what you don't feel like doing. I believe he has achieved some kind of enlightenment. I have not!

When I don't do what I feel that I SHOULD do guilt takes up residence in my mind! One definition for guilt is:

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc. whether real or imagined.

I feel certain that my sense of guilt does not come from committing a grievous offense, crime or wrongdoing. It is not real but an imagined perception of offending someone else. "Shoulding yourself" results in guilt from a "perceived" poor decision. 

I am really good at following that "worst case scenario" rabbit down that hole and worrying about ridiculous things that most likely will not happen. That plane hasn't crashed yet. I haven't contracted the worst, incurable disease yet. My kids are alright. I've already survived some terrible events in my life. I lived. Worrying is not going to prevent bad things from happening or prepare me any better for when they do. Corrie Ten Boom said "Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear".  Fear again. 


I realized (AHA moment) that these negative emotions mostly occur after I've had an unpleasant experience with a negative person. I tend to believe in the ultimate goodness of everyone. I believe that people will always choose to do or say the right thing. I believe that people always make the best choices. I believe that everyone has something to be glad about. I believe that people will be nice. The conflict in my brain arises when I'm confronted with someone whose beliefs are different than my own. The one in which "life sucks" and there is nothing in this world to be happy about. You would realize that your life sucks too if you would just take off those rose-colored glasses. So I take them off and start to believe that maybe there are a lot of things in my life that aren't so rosy. Someone I love is going to die eventually. Someday I might contract some dreaded disease. Something "bad" is going to happen. If I didn't have those damn rose colored glasses on I would clearly see the apocalypse coming.

I'm learning with every experience that "what is going on for them is about them and not about me". A good portion of my life I have made it about me. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? I am a "people pleaser". From an early age it shaped who I am, what I thought and the decisions I made. The guilt, fear, worry and "shoulding" myself comes from wanting to make the people in my life happy and fearing that if I don't they won't like me. I doubt my own judgment and question my decisions. Was my perception of the situation wrong? Does this person really know more than I do? Are my feelings wrong? There's a good chance that I did not say the "wrong" thing, do the "wrong" thing or make the "wrong" decision. What's going on for them is about them and not me. 

I'm not guilty when I haven't committed a crime. Worry doesn't prepare you for when bad things to happen. When I "should" myself I shame myself and that is too much like a self-imposed punishment. It implies that I MUST do something or face the consequences.  Fear fills the room and does not let positive, loving thoughts in. When I make other peoples negative feelings and opinions more important than my own positive thoughts it creates internal conflict. This inner uncertainty allows the worst emotions to enter my mind. I lose sight of ME. 

I'm getting a lot better at pinpointing what IS going on for me when guilt, worry, shame and fear appear. I'm fighting back. When I take the time to think about why I am feeling such visceral emotions my perspective becomes clearer. The key is to learn what I need to learn about myself, let it go and move on. Quickly. Without letting guilt, worry, shame and fear hang around for too long or at all! Easier said than done but I feel as if I am getting better at recognizing the triggers. There is hope that I am getting closer to some kind of enlightenment. Eliminating these words from my vocabulary means trusting my own instincts and decisions and loving myself enough to say "No". I won't let you disable me. I've learned that for me it also means setting boundaries or outright eliminating the toxic relationships with negative people who cause me to feel these stressors. I like to think that as I am getting older I am becoming wiser. It is not selfish to put my own feelings first. It is OK to see things differently. Taking care of ME is essential to my happiness and well-being. 

One of my favorite writers is Glennon Doyle Melton. Check out her website and subscribe to her blog postings on http://momastery.com. Read her book Carry On Warrior. Watch her TED Talk. In several of her postings she talks about putting her "perspectacles" on. 

When I put on my perspectacles (my rose-colored glasses) it is amazing how clearly I can see what's going on. Plus, I look good in pink!